Smack my pitch up


Congratulations go to Paul Ashcroft after he was awarded the Premier League Groundsman of the Year award for 2012.

The ‘Sports Turf Research Institute’ announced their findings after looking at all the professional playing surfaces in England, and said that Premier League pitches were “all to a very high standard.”

Clearly they didn’t visit the Stadium of Light in February when the pitch there looked like no-man’s land after a week of intensive shelling which was then ripped to pieces by Godzilla tromping about the field in pointy stilettos and immediately followed by the Horse of the Year show except instead of horses they were genetically modified be-hooved elephants.

Arsenal have a long tradition of exceptional playing surfaces, so much so that Real Madrid no less poached former Groundsman Paul Burgess in 2009.

It is believed that this summer Barcelona will pursue Ashcroft by proving he’s got Catalan DNA after a week long holiday in Arenys de Mar when he was seven years of age.


    • I get a nice little bit of pride every time I’m watching a game where nothing much is happening and the commentator goes “Of course the pitch is perfect here at the Emirates, just how Arsene likes it…”

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      • and how it’s cut to a specific number of inches :O and also a few of Wenger’s little rules, e.g. even in training you have to take off your boots before entering certain areas of the training ground so as to prevent the spreading of dirt. Little things like this which make us stand out as a club really. Immaculate stuff!!

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  1. Heard Sunderland’s guy was in the running. But he tripped on a divot, went over on his ankle, had surgery and was ruled out for months.

    Stolen from Twitter. Thought I’d share.

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  2. When I grow up I want to work in the ‘Sports Turf Research Institute’. It has to be breathtakingly exciting to work there 🙂

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    • I saw a program on this before and the amount of work and research that goes into sports pitches are incredible, its not just about laying down some grass but also what goes underneath and how regularly it is mantained and also different stadiums have to have different turf types.. Pretty interesting stuff.

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  3. Actually I remember that having a playing surface ‘as good as Highbury’ was one of the top bullet points on the promo site for the new stadium, so props to meeting that KPI!

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    • Grass? Good shit? Smokin’? Holland? Oh, you sucked me in. Now I’ll have to find one to celebrate tonight’s win!

      Well done to our Groundsman of the year and his crew ofcourse. Great team effort, only way we know how. COYG!

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  4. LMAO at the groundskeepers “Catalan DNA” comment by the OP.

    All we’d have to do is follow Ashcroft around the pitch and see if he dives all over it. If he can’t go more than 10 yards without falling to the turf and raising his hands to the heavens whilst looking around as he gets to his feet then he’s surly a Barcelona prodigy. No fancy medical tests needed!

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  5. I’m a bit worried that Arseblog underplayed the condition of that Sunderland pitch. You were at least seven negatives away from the reality, but luv the evocative description.

    Its also a concern that the Emirates looks sooooo smooth that Ashley Young will be tempted to lay down in the penalty area.

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  6. If they visited Stadium of Shite and still think pitches in England are the best, it’s because Arsenal and many others are keeping excellent standards and maintaining a really good average. Well done and congrats to Mr Ashcroft.

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  7. Get Me: Vertonghen, Podolski.. try to sign gotze (splash it as much as you can) retain campbell and wellington from loan
    Clear out : Squillaci, denilson, bendter, Vela, Park, Mertesacker, chamakh, arshavin, benayoon
    And WIN EVERYTHING!! couldn’t be more simple

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    • People need to start taking Gotze out of their wish lists, he just signed an extension and Dortmund are going to win their 2nd straight Bundesliga title. He’s also played for Dortmund (his hometown team) for his whole career and has shown absolutely no desire to leave there anytime soon. Us wishing for Gotze is comparable to some other team wishing for Wilshere, not gonna happen.

      Montepellier’s owner said Younes Belhanda is available for the right price, if that price isn’t ridiculous I think he’d be a fantastic buy.

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