Thursday, September 18, 2014
Arsenal v Montpellier – player ratings (sandwich special)

Arsenal v Montpellier – player ratings (sandwich special)

Time to trawl the dictionary and thesaurus for our single word player review and ratings after last night’s 2-0 win over Montpellier in the Champions League.

*Please note, we reserve the right to invent our own words at any time. Or, when circumstances dictate, use more than one word which may or may not include words we’ve invented.

Wojciech Szczesny: 7/10 – Ham and cheese

Bacary Sagna: 8/10 – Tuna melt

Per Mertesacker: 8/10 – Foot long

Laurent Koscielny: 7/10 – Turkey and stuffing

Thomas Vermaelen: 8/10 –  Cheese toastie (made with a Breville)

Mikel Arteta: 8/10 – Butifarra

Jack Wilshere: 8/10 – Double-bacon butty

Santi Cazorla: 8/10 –  Jamón serrano

Lukas Podolski: 9/10 – Spicy bratwurst

Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain6/10 – Ketchup

Olivier Giroud: 9.5/10 – Pepito al punto


Aaron Ramsey: 7/10 – Egg and chips (runny yolk)

Gervinho: 6/10 – Petrol station salad

Francis Coquelin: Sausage

Feel free to discuss and post your own ratings, but normal comment policy applies. If you’re not familiar with it, please read.



  1. Le Coq – Sausage
    Mertesacker – Foot Long
    Hahaha. Brilliant.

    Thumb up 52 Thumb down 3

  2. Koscielny 7? For me he was the best in the defence.

    Thumb up 116 Thumb down 0

    • I thought he was good too but I’m taking into account that moment when he got caught in possession coming out of defence, gave away a dangerous free kick and got booked. That was like a small part of his bread was a little stale, but otherwsise he was very good, I’ll admit.

      Thumb up 98 Thumb down 11

      • Yeah that mistake which led to a free kick and chance, where he made up for it immediately by saving a shot that was heading for the goal. Easily the best defender in this team and not just in this game. Barcelona are not after him for no reason. He’s quick, tough, reads the game really well and top class on the ball as well. For me a toss up for MOM with THE POD. Giroud can’t possibly MOM with that shocking first half, where he got owned by their CB. Great second half though, the man has heart

        Thumb up 12 Thumb down 2

      • Sorry, it’s ridiculous Blogs.

        MotM HFB, 2nd best performer was Kozza.

        Thumb up 4 Thumb down 0

      • Agreed – Kos was our best defender, bar (perhaps) the ever solid Bacary Sagna who should have been rated – lasagna sandwich.

        Mertesacker deserved a 10/10 for his flancy footwork in and around the box.

        Thumb up 11 Thumb down 0

    • Yes we are in agreement although he made some mistakes which I guess Per didn’t. KOs was very very active and commanding. ALL our defenders were good yesterday .

      Thumb up 26 Thumb down 0

    • Agree should of got top marks for our defenders

      Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0

  3. Arshavin – Subway all you can eat pate and double mayo special in dripping and pork belly gravy.

    Thumb up 18 Thumb down 7

  4. Giroud, what a player.

    I’m so glad clinical critics are shutting up in light of his quality now. His assists just seem like phantoms to the public, esp. if they were knockdowns.

    Even then, what a player we have.

    Thumb up 45 Thumb down 3

    • That’s the thing with giroud, he works just too damn hard. Another striker would have probably given up on the ball and let it go out of play but no, not giroud. He was determined to wrap that beautiful head of his around that ball, squaring it perfectly for Wilshere to tap in.

      Then suddenly he’s on the other end of the pitch deflecting a montpellier cross out for a corner. And when the corner comes he clears it right off!. What a hard working fella!

      Thumb up 72 Thumb down 0

      • DoubleDoubleDouble

        Giroud is a Centre Forward-Back…he’s reinventing football.

        Thumb up 60 Thumb down 0

      • I think the media bias towards English players has never been so apparent when you compare their opinions of Giroud and Andy Carroll. The £35m English man has won a few headers but scored no goals but is viewed as a success at the Hammers, whereas they would have you believe we’ve spunked away a third of what Carroll cost on another dodgy Frenchman, conveniently ignoring his good all round work and assists even when he wasn’t scoring. The press set an agenda that he couldn’t replace RVP and will continue to do so until it becomes impossible and then they will report how ‘Arsenal fans had their reservations about the him after an unconvincing start’. I tried listening to Keys and Gray this morning on Talkshite, has there ever been a bigger pair of patronising cunts? Come back Ken Bruce, all is forgiven.

        Thumb up 47 Thumb down 0

      • he’s a false no. 4

        Thumb up 30 Thumb down 0

    • I love our new swashbuckling Frenchman but let’s be honest, Drogba was doing the same at Ch**ski for years. But fuck him, OOOOOOOOH GIROUD!

      Thumb up 14 Thumb down 2

    • I never had a problem with Giroud because even though things didn’t work for him at the start of the season he did work very hard and, most importantly for me, he did his best for the team. He will become one of the best in the league and maybe even, Europe.

      Here’s hoping.

      Thumb up 8 Thumb down 0

  5. Arsene Wenger- Delighted Chef!

    Thumb up 43 Thumb down 1

  6. I also think Kos deserved a higher rating, mistake aside, he was commanding, energetic, and positive. When things were not happening for the team he looked to like he wanted to make it happen.

    Was really strange in the first half, I think Jack gave the ball away on his first three passes and neither Jack or Cazorla seemed to be able to anticipate Podolskis runs, which was making him frustrated. For those reasons I think most of the midfield should lose a point off their ratings, you can’t start a game looking like you’ve never played together and get a 8/10.

    Thumb up 30 Thumb down 0

    • Gunner From Another Mother

      I was shocked at how terrible they were in the opening minutes. Very uncharacteristic from the likes of them messing up simple passes like that. Glad to see Podolski show his frustration though and to expect more from his teammates. Better than being complacent for sure

      Thumb up 13 Thumb down 0

  7. Koscielny was f… excellent yesterday. He had one flop but he totally bossed the match. Can’t believe he has the lowest rate of our defence

    Thumb up 13 Thumb down 0

  8. I’d give Mertesacker an extra half a mark just for that dazzling moment in the first half when he ran at the Montpellier defence.

    Thumb up 41 Thumb down 0

  9. Not enough vegetarian options for my liking.

    Thumb up 18 Thumb down 3

  10. obviously was moist over jacks goal and second half in general but what about the barrage of misplaced passes in the first? Giroud was a brute…delighted for the FHB…did anyone else get a cold sweat when gervinho came on?

    Thumb up 3 Thumb down 5

    • Nope, can’t say that I did. Glad for the depth to be honest, even if he is the stereotypical Jekyll and Hyde player. Now Giroud is firing, Gervinho can give one of the players for the other 2 sides a rest at points during the matches or in the season.

      Thumb up 4 Thumb down 0

  11. Paulo Vitor Dama da Rosa

    There must be a temptation to play Podolski as the centre forward, his cannon shots are deadly. With Giroud playing the way he is, it would be unfair to him though. Conundrums.

    Thumb up 15 Thumb down 0

  12. Kos has a wiring problem and switches off usually once a game. Yesterday it was just a booking sometimes its a goal. it all adds to the excitement I suppose. Generally though the defence was as solid as I’ve seen in a while, held a line very very well, too well drilled for the French. A routine win. Don’t get to say that enough.

    Thumb up 4 Thumb down 2

  13. Van Persie: Deviled ham
    Nasri: French mustard

    Thumb up 10 Thumb down 0

  14. Laurent Koscielny – stuffing in a D’Oh bread.

    Thumb up 1 Thumb down 7

  15. Didnt get to watch the match, but monitored proceedings on live blogs. Got two contrasting views on the Ox, which one is true?

    1. Guardian blog
    64 Min
    Yellow card for Bedimo for hauling back Oxlade-Chamberlain, who’s had
    an exciting game …
    ….. More good work by Ox, who cuts in from the right again and plays a
    smart ball to podolski.

    2. Arseblog Liveblog
    70 Min
    Not a great night or Oxlade-Chamberlain, it has to be said, but he’s still

    So, who do I believe, Arseblog I guess!!!

    Thumb up 18 Thumb down 1

    • DoubleDoubleDouble

      O-C made some good runs, but he was guilty of some sloppy passing, so they were kind of both right.

      Thumb up 17 Thumb down 0

    • The Ox and Sagna need to work it out a bit. Sagna was left to his own devices out wide. Maybe could have done with a bit more support but did get in a few crosses. The Ox got sucked into the middle too much but love the way he trys it on whenever he gets a yard of space.

      Thumb up 13 Thumb down 0

  16. and not a walcott in sight.BEAUTIFUL.

    Thumb up 3 Thumb down 11

  17. DoubleDoubleDouble

    Jack was a double bacon butty, but I think his goal deserves some HP sauce on it.

    Thumb up 19 Thumb down 0

  18. Cygan's Anal Beads

    Theo – Shit sandwich

    Thumb up 4 Thumb down 42

  19. Good win, professional performance. I don’t think we ever got out of third gear to be completely honest; understandable after the pressure/intensity of the weekend.

    As I result, and I really don’t relish the idea of being a bit of a negative Nancy this morning, but aren’t these ratings a touch *ahem* generous?

    8 for Verm? Really? He didn’t do anything wrong, and it was a nice cross that led to the opener, but can’t think of much else. A 7, max.

    9.5 for Giroud? I’m a huge fan of his, and his assistiness is a joy. But he dropped too deep at times yesterday, and had a few wayward shots. A handsome 8 for me.

    9 for Poldi? Excellent finish, and that’s his job at the end of the day, but he was largely anonymous otherwise, bar a few misunderstandings with HFB. A 7.5.

    I’m not trying to piss on anyones chips, but sense of perspective, surely?

    Thumb up 9 Thumb down 21

    • You cut this rational crap right now. We win – you cheer and predict our team to win everything including Australian open, rate everybody superbly (especially Wilshere, because he is a gooner). We lose – you call everybody a cunt who doesn’t deserve to wear Arsenal shirt (except for Ramsey who gets to be called a cunt twice). Yes, it’s that simple.
      If you want rational ratings, watch the game twice at Arsenal player, analyse it, check the stats at, put your own ratings, feel like a enchanced version of Wenger for wee second, have a wank and get back to your daily job. That’s what I’m gonna do anyway!

      Thumb up 37 Thumb down 0

  20. Andre Santos – Billy Bear sandwich (with crusts cut off and cut into squares)

    Thumb up 5 Thumb down 0

  21. In Nigeria, Giroud is palmwine!

    Thumb up 3 Thumb down 0

  22. Giroud had an awful game! Miss-placed passes. Miss-timed jumps. Caught in position. It looked like his legs were made out of lead.

    2/10 + 2/10 for the first assist. (Which was great positioning by Wilshere anyway, and great cross from Vermaelen) + 2/10 for the 2nd assist.

    Thumb up 2 Thumb down 35

    • Specksavers mate

      Thumb up 13 Thumb down 1

    • Wait, Giroud was awful? GREAT cross by Vermaelen? Are you mad?

      Giroud was really really good, the knockdown for Wilshere was perfection. The ball from Vermaelen was a poor one. He had to really work hard and stretch to get to that ball.

      I thought Giroud was our best player not named Sagna. He worked hard, his movement was top class (as always) and he played a massive part in both goals.

      Thumb up 13 Thumb down 1

  23. Oxlade Chamberlain at-least 7 as well.
    He was outstanding. Didn’t lose the ball, battled well. Was covering the positions where he needed to be. It was his energy that cut through to start off both the goals!

    Thumb up 2 Thumb down 3

  24. After clicking on that link I really want a pepito al punto now.

    Thumb up 7 Thumb down 0

    • So do I. It is, without question, the greatest sandwich on earth and why I don’t want us to win our group so we can be drawn against Barcelona and I can go there and eat them.

      Thumb up 7 Thumb down 1

  25. my god that post made me hungry…

    Thumb up 7 Thumb down 0

  26. Hehe.. subs (get it?!)

    Thumb up 2 Thumb down 0

  27. Jack started off as a bit of a Sloppy Joe, buttie turned it round and ended up a Hero!

    Thumb up 1 Thumb down 0

  28. Apparently I had Aaron Ramsey for breakfast this morning

    Thumb up 1 Thumb down 0

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