Tuesday, September 30, 2014
Arsenal v Sp*rs – single word review and player ratings (David Bowie special)

Arsenal v Sp*rs – single word review and player ratings (David Bowie special)

Time to trawl the dictionary and thesaurus for our single word player review and ratings after yesterday’s 5-2 spanking of the scummery scummers.

Please note, we reserve the right to invent our own words at any time. Or, when circumstances dictate, use more than one word which may or may not include words we’ve invented.

Wojciech Szczesny: 6/10 – Changes

Bacary Sagna: 8/10 – Never let me down

Per Mertesacker: 8/10 – Let’s dance

Laurent Koscielny: 8/10 – Fantastic voyage

Thomas Vermaelen: 8/10 – Win

Mikel Arteta: 8/10 – Watch that man

Jack Wilshere: 8/10 – Wild eyed boy from freecloud

Santi Cazorla: 9/10 – Starman

Lukas Podolski: 8/10 – Sweet thing

Theo Walcott: 8/10 – Speed of life

Olivier Giroud: 8/10 – Oh, you pretty thing(s)


Andre Santos: 7/10 – Loving the alien

Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain: 8/10 – Future legend

Aaron Ramsey: 6/10 It ain’t easy

Overall team ratings:

Arsenal: 10/10 – Heroes

Sp*rs:  0/10 – Zeroes

Bonus opponent rating:

Emmanuel Adebayor: 10/10 – Aladdin Sane

William Gallas: 1/10 – Richochet

AVB: No rating – Quicksand

Feel free to discuss and post your own ratings, but normal comment policy applies. If you’re not familiar with it, please read.



  1. Fulham????

    Thumb up 24 Thumb down 1

  2. Supporters 10/10 – Heros

    Thumb up 101 Thumb down 0

    • Wilshere 8/10 – There’s a super turn he made at the centre of the pitch there. That was absolutely class, left all the spuds cunts around him in fucking limbo.

      When we say Jack is special, we really mean it!

      Thumb up 92 Thumb down 1

  3. Gareth Bale:- Shameless Cunt

    Thumb up 73 Thumb down 1

  4. I was so happy for Mert, what a way to open your goal account with Arsenal.

    Love the BFG.

    Thumb up 142 Thumb down 0

  5. Santi – oh santiiiii cazorlaaaaa.

    Thumb up 63 Thumb down 0

  6. I humbly recommend:

    AVB: I’m Deranged
    Ape Man: Space Oddity

    Thumb up 41 Thumb down 0

    • Sandro – Life On Mars – 3/10

      Can’t believe that Xenomorph looking neanderthal got away with at least three yellow carders

      Thumb up 40 Thumb down 0

    • If we’re sticking with the Bowie ratings, then the entire spuds team and staff were surely “Tin Machine”.

      Thumb up 18 Thumb down 0

    • AWs coat – Fashion

      Walcott – Stay

      Giroud & Santos – Beauty & the Beast

      Gazidis – The Man who sold the world

      Bale – Boys keep swinging

      Adebayor – The idiot (ok, I know it’s an Iggy album, but pretty sure Bowie produced it)

      I’ll get me coat….

      Thumb up 2 Thumb down 0

  7. AVB- God knows I’m good

    Thumb up 11 Thumb down 0

  8. Kos- 9/10
    did you see him sprint like his arse is on fire and out run Lenon! Fucking BOSS!

    Thumb up 123 Thumb down 0

    • Man, that was great. I was watching the game on ESPN and that CUNT Steve McManaman said ‘Oh yeah he had a head start on him and was 5 yard ahead of him already otherwise Lennon would’ve ran away with it, but still good job catching him though. Koscielny showed great pace.’ Dick.

      Thumb up 41 Thumb down 0

      • Gutbukkit Deffrolla

        Why does every TV company insist on employing commentator’s lap warmers (or whatever the useless ex-crap footballer cunts are there for) who hate Arsenal ? I get sick and tired of hearing the opposition praised and anything we do passed off as luck or cheating.

        Thumb up 2 Thumb down 0

  9. Excellent

    Thumb up 9 Thumb down 0

  10. The moment in the second half when Santos and Verm combined and almost produced a goal- fcukng Awesome!

    Thumb up 43 Thumb down 0

  11. Looool Adebayor 10/10 Bosssss

    Thumb up 14 Thumb down 0

  12. Howard Webb 9/10 — No controversies

    Thumb up 71 Thumb down 0

  13. these are much more fun to read when we have won!

    Thumb up 59 Thumb down 0

  14. walcott as a central striker 6/10 – unconvincing.
    Again he showed he needs 3-4 chances to score, he’s just not there (yet?). As a provider he is becoming very good and he can take advantage of switching positions while ocassionally drifting inside. But as a central player all the time, he’s just lost, he doesn’t have the instinct and the shot. (But yes, he would be good enogh as a central striker in mediocre liverpool.) So either he recognizes where’s his place and where his most useful position, or he will go.

    On a different note, I don’t understand why Sagna is not widely recognized as overall one of the very best players in EPL.

    Thumb up 35 Thumb down 20

    • I get your point but I think our best goal was the fourth one. Giroud won a header onto Walcott who trapped it down and played Podolski in. It made me think: if this was 2006 and we still played 4-4-2, that handsome bloke and that quickie could really be a striker combo

      Thumb up 21 Thumb down 1

    • We widely recognise him as one of the very best players in PL, who gives a fuck what anyone else thinks

      Thumb up 38 Thumb down 3

    • I am pretty sure that before his 2 broken legs he was in the EPL top team and
      feel sure he will get in again.
      The way he blanked Adebaywhore was truly classic

      Thumb up 8 Thumb down 1

      • Gutbukkit Deffrolla

        That was the highlight of the day up until the moment when the red card came out. Like many folks I was never that keen on Gallas, but it must have been even more galling for Adabuywhore to be blanked like that and then to see Sagna give Gallas an old-comradely hug. Can’t help thinking the Adabad-day had few friends when he was with us, and lost those with his antics for Shitty.

        Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0

  15. last year dis fixture changd our season!!
    getin a strong feelin now we will shine lyk
    a star wit our “starman” cazorla ;) and HFB..
    also gve walcott new contract he deserves it

    Thumb up 3 Thumb down 24

  16. AVB – confused adult!

    Bale – deranged cunt!

    Adebayour – lose cunt!

    Spurs – scums cunts!

    ARSENAL – the Heroes!!!

    Thumb up 10 Thumb down 10

  17. This is how every Arsenal feels today: http://tinyurl.com/at8s9h8

    Thumb up 3 Thumb down 12

  18. Adebayor – Aladdin Sane. Genius!

    Thumb up 4 Thumb down 1

  19. CS indeed sagna is just amazin!! lovd his
    performance!! he is Mr perfect..rarely seen
    him doin ny error

    Thumb up 3 Thumb down 2

  20. steve boulds hairdresser


    Thumb up 8 Thumb down 3

  21. 2011/12 v 2012/13
    Arsenal v Spurs
    Cannon v Cockerel
    Mirror Image 5-2
    5-2 Image Mirror
    We should have buried them deep into the depths of despair with more goals but I will accept the sequel.

    Thumb up 8 Thumb down 1

  22. AND…….
    People of Arsenal land… Sagna has had two ankle operations in the past year plus BUT he leaps like Superman. Yes…watch him…He leaps and lands softly. And also he and Theo play well together, the same way Gibbs and Poldi has an understanding.
    I enjoyed yesterday at the Emirate but truthfully February was so much better.
    11 v 11
    And my favourte Arsenal player scored…Per Mertesacker.
    Big Up.

    Thumb up 2 Thumb down 4

    • what do you mean February was so much better. Yesterday was yesterday

      Thumb up 7 Thumb down 1

      • Hello TomJ
        November 18, 2012 at 10:06 am

        “What do you mean February was so much better.”

        Two games….same result: 5-2

        The February 2012 game was in my OPINION a better and more exciting game than yesterday because:

        (1) In Feb 2012 Spurs were admittedly playing better football than Arsenal (remembering our results and our injuries re Jan 2012 fixtures ) and we the fans were very nervous, our emotions heightened ( Watch the game again and tell if it was not more enjoyable than yesterday, its free on the Dot Com . Derby Day).

        (2) That game in February we played 11 v 11, which made the result much sweeter the victory as we kicked their asses and grind them to the ground (their level)

        (3) Yesterday we were not ruthless enough and when we relaxed (they scored). In situations like that we should play for more goals which can make Arsenal achieve 4th place on goal difference come May 2013

        (4) I was lucky to have attended both games, and although the atmosphere was great yesterday, Arsenal may not be making an event video of yesterday’s game as they did of the February 2012 game.

        (5) The February game had a Machiavellian character WHO WAS SLEDGED throughout the game by ARSENAL FANS especially when Bale received that penalty. That day mockery plus the result may have lost him the opportunity to manage England because of the tactics taken during that game. We all love a Pantomime villain

        (6) The songs were much better in February 2012

        Nevertheless…we won and that is always a great result

        Arsenal Arsenal Arsenal

        The best team in London

        London is Red.

        Thumb up 8 Thumb down 2

  23. Adebayor a 10? maybe in the cuntoid stakes 0/10 – I pity the fool

    Thumb up 12 Thumb down 0

    • Gutbukkit Deffrolla

      Pity is shown to people who can’t help their situation. Adebuttwhore deserves no pity because his fall from grace was all his own work. He is not a man who ends up on the streets through bad luck, he is a man who has lost his place at the greatest club in the world, been frozen out of one of the richest clubs in the world, and reduced himself to playing for the likes of Spurs, by being a total cunt.

      Thumb up 2 Thumb down 0

  24. 5pur2 can now shut the fuck up

    Thumb up 13 Thumb down 3

  25. A derby victory embiggens even the most jaded of fans.

    Thumb up 4 Thumb down 2

  26. Norwich

    Thumb up 30 Thumb down 1

  27. Was it not Arseblogger who coined the name ‘BFG’? The reason for me to ask this is since I saw it used in football365.com website.. Would be cool if the name sticks :)

    Thumb up 12 Thumb down 1

  28. Paulo Vitor Dama da Rosa

    I see Goonersaurus has stepped up since Song left. Did anyone see how he was doing the silly Song-esque hugging of Adebawhore before the game? That’s no way to be a role model to young Gooners. It hurts me to say this but Goonersaurus out!

    I was watching the ESPN feed and damn do the commentators have kind of a homosexual tension going on. It was like Ian Darke wanted to drop to his knees and get himself some of Mcamamananananan.

    I’m exaggerating a bit but only a bit, you guys watch the pregame yourself.

    Thumb up 3 Thumb down 5


    Thumb up 29 Thumb down 0

  30. Aaron Ramsey thinks he’s SANTI CAZORLA…

    Thumb up 5 Thumb down 15

    • Lol true. …He thinks he can switch balls from wing to wing like he’s a boss when he ISN’T!.

      Stop it ramsey, model your own game.

      Thumb up 1 Thumb down 1

  31. Per's Nimble Footwork

    Deserved win, irrespective of the number of players on the pitch. And what was Per doing up there at the time?! Excellent when a team plays with little inhibitions but with discipline still. That’s the balance AW needs.

    Excellent game indeed.

    Thumb up 7 Thumb down 0

    • Gutbukkit Deffrolla

      I think that everybody was keen to get on the scoresheet. The highlight of my day (apart from Sagna blanking Adebuywhore, the red card, and the five goals spread amongst the team) was Santos playing inside left, combining with Vermaelen, playing outside left, to almost score a great goal.

      Thumb up 1 Thumb down 0

  32. Mertesacker – EXTREME!!!!

    (From about the 0:40 mark in this video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PQxW8ZS33vE)

    Thumb up 10 Thumb down 2

  33. You forgot Ramsey.

    Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0

  34. You cheated a bit with your single word reviews but I can live with that. Let’s try harder next time please. I come on you gunners.. 5-2 yeaa boohhi

    Thumb up 0 Thumb down 8

    • “Please note, we reserve the right to invent our own words at any time. Or, when circumstances dictate, use more than one word which may or may not include words we’ve invented”.. I draw your attention to the second sentence, that says it doesn’t just have to be 1 word

      Thumb up 1 Thumb down 0

  35. Love your blog. But, you really must stop referring to players as apes who happen to be black. It’s terribly racist. Arsenal is the most diverse team in the world. Don’t piss on all your non-white readers by calling players apes.

    Thumb up 1 Thumb down 39

    • Bro, Gareth Bale is white…

      Thumb up 29 Thumb down 0

      • whoops! thought andrew was referring to adebayor! all apologies. gareth is indeed an ape boy.

        Thumb up 11 Thumb down 0

      • So it’s ok to call a white guy an ape, but if it’s a black guy it’s not? That’s pretty fucking lame. I’d be ashamed to be an ape today.

        Thumb up 30 Thumb down 1

      • Gutbukkit Deffrolla

        Apes come in all colours, just like people do. It’s not the colour that matters, it’s the ugly. Bale is just fucking ugly. He looks ugly, and his attitude to abiding by the rules is equally ugly.

        Thumb up 0 Thumb down 0

  36. Chris Yestin leebowski

    Adebayor – rock n roll suicide

    Best match I’ve been to I’ve been to hands down.

    Thumb up 2 Thumb down 0

  37. Pity Bowie didn’t write a song called ‘cunt’ – specially for Adebayor

    Thumb up 10 Thumb down 0

  38. Adebawhore – ‘ The man who sold the world’.

    AVB – ‘under pressure’ or ‘sorrow’

    Sp*rs – ‘ ashes to ashes ‘ or ‘ scary monsters and super creeps’

    Santi cazorla – ‘ little wonder’

    Thumb up 10 Thumb down 0

  39. Awesome! A Dire Straits special would have been great too, as then Adebayor could have been “Money For Nothing” and Cazorla would be “Your Latest Trick”. :P

    Thumb up 1 Thumb down 0

  40. giroud’s celebratn style quite awsumm!!

    Thumb up 1 Thumb down 0

  41. This blog had been sooo depressing to read the past few weeks, glad to see it come back to life!

    Santi Cazorla – 10/10 Your Sex is On Fire

    Thumb up 1 Thumb down 0

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