Villa 0-0 Arsenal: player ratings (cartoon character special)


Time to trawl the dictionary and thesaurus for our players ratings after yesterday’s 0-0 draw with Aston Villa at Villa Park yesterday.

*Please note, we reserve the right to invent our own words at any time. Or, when circumstances dictate, use more than one word which may or may not include words we’ve invented.

Wojciech Szczesny: 7/10 – Mr Tickle

Carl Jenkinson: 6/10 – Cyril Figgis

Per Mertesacker: 7/10 – Opposite Smurf

Laurent Koscielny: 6/10 – early Bart Simpson

Kieran Gibbs: 6/10 – de-shelled Donatello

Mikel Arteta: 6/10 – Ren

Aaron Ramsey: 6.5/10 – Scrappy Doo

Santi Cazorla: 6/10 – Stimpy

Lukas Podolski: 6/10 – Wile E Coyote

Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain: 5/10 – SuperNintendo Chalmers

Olivier Giroud: 6/10 – Johnny Bravo


Gervinho: 3/10 – Hans Moleman

Andrei Arshavin: 5/10 – Meg Griffin

Francis Coquelin: 5/10 – Squidward

Bonus rating:

Arsene Wenger: 4/10 – Hank Scorpio

Feel free to discuss and post your own ratings, but normal comment policy applies. If you’re not familiar with it, please read.


  1. Hank Scorpio! —– He’ll sting you with his dreams of power and wealth. Beware of Scorpio! His twisted twin obsessions are his plot to rule the world, and his employees’ health. SURELY NOT AW !!!!!

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  2. Yes, those neologisms/cartoon characters made a lot of sense.
    I’d have given a higher score to Mertesacker – maybe equal to Rambo.
    I think problem for the new boys is intensity and playing with people they don’t know very well yet. Plus youth and inexperience of some.

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  3. Ramsey easily topped the match. Tells you how much of shit we’re becoming. Bring off poldi and giroud (two strikers) when what we need is goals????? Good.

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    • Man you Ramsey enthusiasts/apologists are over the top! I admit he didn’t have a bad game, but he was NOT “awesome” or “brilliant,” and did not “top the match.”

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  4. 6 for arteta is slightly generous. It was really worrying how we struggled to get past our own half at times. The stat about Mertesacker and Arteta passing to each shows it. Our passing just is not quick enough. And every time i watch Gervinho i wonder why we didn’t sign Benayoun.

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    • Seriously. Benny got us out of many tight situations last season. What a great squad player. Anyone know if he is playing regularly this season as he wished?

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      • Yep, and so predictable. Sometimes I feel like players get stereotyped, or maybe they just are not that good on the training track, but for mine, yossi was underplayed last year (and he is old, so I get it) and given his X factor, could have been really useful this year.

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  5. I saw the picture in the title and was stoked to see each player have a custom
    arseblog cartoon character, but I was sadly disappointed.


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  6. In the cold light of day a draw and clean sheet away from home does not look so bad, its consistently under performing that really is starting to piss me off. Sure we get good results from time to time and in the moment they feel excellent but its very rare I feel comfortable watching our boys and it just shouldnt be that way as a Arsenal fan.

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    • At least Ramsey always puts a shift in and works his bollocks off. If some of our more talented players had his heart and drive we would be a FAR better team. It irks me when people are blind to a players positive points because they gobble up the shit they read. Judging by your negative attitude a severe leg break would of left you rolling round the gutter not competing at the top of any profession.

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      • I agree with you, I feel sorry for Ramsey. It’s not his fault, it is Arsene who is putting him on the firing line, just like he did with Eboue, Denilson, Almunia while the team playing poorly. He should have protected him more and eased him into the team when we playing well and confidence high.

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  7. To give any credit to the players yesterday, the pitch and the conditions were quiet horrible. As much as villa pressed us high up the pitch, there were many instances where they missed place passes or slipped giving us ball back. This is not to shield our players from crirism but they did try in a difficult game away from home. Perhaps it wasn’t our day. Here’s looking to the next game.

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    • This is the most sensible opinion I’ve heard about the game yet. Yes it’s not ideal, yes we under performed but people are complaining like it’s the worst result they’ve ever been subject to.

      The weather last night was a classic ‘leveller’. Villa would have been rubbing their hands with glee at the thought of us trying to play a slick passing game on that surface. It’s not all bad – we kept a clean sheet in trying conditions.

      A disappointing but ultimately solid point away from home. Now we move on and try to improve in the final third.

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      • True, it wouldnt be thw worst result ever if we hadnt lost so many needless points already and playing catch up. But on the other hand we are.

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      • Agree with TomJ – if you muck up winnable games, the onus is on you to produce something special in difficult ones to compensate. In this case, this applies less to the players and more to the manager.

        First, yeah, it was a slippery surface, but an elementary knowledge of weather in the UK tells you that youre going to get days like these. This is precisely why you cant base your game entirely on one philosophy. We’re SO susceptible to anything less than a perfect pitch that a Champions League team (AC Milan) resorted to digging up their own pitch last year to put us off our game. Arsene needs to wake up and get better instructions in at half time when our default tactics arent working.

        I can see a lot of other attacking teams get a result out of a game like this because they look at the conditions and decide – close control and well-timed runs into the box is going to be difficult, we need to work our game into getting space to shoot from distance (or SOMETHING else). This doesnt mean you give up bringing in full backs or that you stop trying to find forwards with through balls, but it does mean that you tell Cazorla to thump the crap out of the ball when he gets a bit of space. Our most “prolific” shooter yesterday was Aaron Ramsey, credit to him, but he’s not our best. Our best was just completely fagged out with the sheer mental effort of calibrating an already complicated rhythmic passing game for the “wet, windy Sunday evening”, thankfully not at Stoke.

        Second, its frustrating because instead of bringing on a forward at 70 minutes, were shutting down shop because of no options and because of the very real possibility that we muck it up in the endgame. You can look at this as failures in the transfer market, but focusing on the game itself – NO forwards is better than Chamakh? Really? This is a guy who has ability, doesnt shirk work, and has scored goals this season (albeit in lesser competitions) and we dont even want him on the bench? Coming on the back of the Ju Young Park thing, I think everyones perfectly entitled to strongly question where AW’s getting his high standards from. Beggars cant be choosers. When you have to sell players every season to stay afloat and when you have no forwards to bring on in a should-win game, you’re a beggar. Pick squads accordingly.

        I think were moving beyond the era of AW investing faith in players who turn out to be *($@*&#s. These players are doing the best they can based on their instructions. The manager’s making some bad decisions that are costing us games and he has to improve on his approach.

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    • With Gibbs back in the team, you could see the difference he made from an attacking point of view. I was happy with the first half hour or so. Gibbs did well, Jenkinson (from what I saw in the first half) not so much, he needs to improve te attacking side of his game. With Sag Bac I expect us to win at Everton, where I hope we attack from both sides.

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  8. Abhi. It was pissing down up and down the country yesterday and other teams managed to perform. Not saying I know why we perform well one week and can’t the next but its definately not the weather.

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    • So if it’s pissing down on Wednesday, the team may as well not even bother traveling to Everton cause we won’t be able to play our usual slick passing game, that by the way we have not fucking played for ages since Bergkamp, Henry, Pires etc etc….what a load of bollocks

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      • So unless the sun is on our backs we cant play.

        You sound like Wenger blaming the conditions.Thank god we are nearly in december when temperatures rise to 80 degree’s

        It was never cold and wet in 2004

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    • As I mentioned earlier, I am not thinking of excuses for the team. As professionals they are expected to play in all the conditions and so on and so forth. Personally for me, it didn’t felt like Norwich or Man U away. Draw was a fair result for both the teams. I am only concerned about all things arsenal. If not us then I don’t give a fish’s tit to Chelsea or Man U or anyone who wins the league.

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  9. Downing didn’t score even one goal or make one assist last season. Come on surely we aren’t becoming that bad

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  10. Downing rumour has to be bullshit & for £10M, LOL!
    If that actually happens & we lose Theo, then Arsene has officially lost it.

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  11. Let’s not lower ourselves to liverpool flops Arsene. If you’re gonna bid for a flop atleast let it be a real madrid flop or juve flop. Then we’ll know he’s good enough for us!

    If we are to bid for a liverpool player let it be raheem “i run funny” sterling or fuck all.

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  12. Voldermort-the only bloke on here who talks any fucking sense!!!!!!! and me of course…Can you fucking believe that some twats on here are making excuses for the team cause it was raining……………… FFS…We are begining to sound like Wenger

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    • You know what I think is really funny? It seems now everyone is bitching that we always pass the ball backwards and that nobody tries to beat their man or make that killer incisive pass. Yet these same people were the ones saying that selling Alex song was a good move because he kept trying those “Hollywood” passes.

      Now arteta and cazorla are absolutely knackered and we’ve no cover. Arsene gets blasted for resting wilshere, a smart move in my opinion, diaby and rosicky are diaby and rosicky and our midfield is as thin as Wayne rooneys hair.

      We need a striker to challenge and rotate with giroud. That’s a no brainier. We also. We need a winger to make sure gervinho doesn’t get anywhere near the first team ever again, and we need a proper central midfielder.

      Who thinks we’re actually going to solve these problems in January?

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      • No because we’ll say “we’ve got diaby and rosicky” and that “there is no value in market” or “we are only looking for top quality” if thats true, explain Gervinho. Although we have bought big before in Jan, think Arshavin, Adebayor, but we’d need to spend really big this time.

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      • anyone thinking of getting more than a top 4(if lucky) should apply for EU presidency…
        Also…stopped my seasons…not worth my while…
        Just enjoy the games on TV as they come…no expectations..

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  13. hahahahaha Hank Scorpio. Brilliant.

    If he really was, he would get hammocks for the players to relax in at half time.. you know, from the hammock district, down on third.


    but seriously we sucked hard last night.. and if we get stewart downing I’m gonna go around slapping babies, cos thats how mad i will be.

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      • Seeing as this article is on the topic of cartoons I say we take the Wiggum approach at half time to gee the players up a bit if we’re losing:

        Bouldy: [observing some police attack dogs] Gee, they look pretty mad.
        Chief Wenger: Yeah, I’ve been starving them, teasing them, singing off key. Mo mi ma mo, mo mi mo mi, mo…

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  14. Ramsey like a few others just isnt good enough.I have a couple of Utd fans at work who think they dodged a bullet when he chose us instead of Utd
    Ramsey belongs at a lower prem club or championship side.But not at a team going for 4th

    How bad is Gervinho?

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    • Well fuck off and support Manure with your mates please. What else would you expect those wankers with their sense of entitlement (purely on a football basis) to say when he refused to join them, bet they were the same with Shearer when he gave them the middle finger

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    • ramsey plays his heart out.but, honestly i don’t understand what ramsey offers to our game.
      he looks like a passenger,an extra body in the midfield and nothing more.his footballing brain is pathetic compared to arsenal standards.
      he loses possession,slows down the game and what not.
      i am not questioning his potential here.but his performances are not good enough.not at all inspiring.
      you are a starter in a midfield which has the likes of cazorla,arteta,jack.
      you should try to be as good as them and inspire the team like they do.
      clearly santi and mikel are tired and in situatuions like these we need someone to step up and chip in with goals and assists.ramsey is just not good enough.
      i am not saying sell him.
      but we can loan him out and then see how his career shapes up.

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      • “he loses possession,slows down the game and what not.”

        Notably, he didn’t do any of those things yesterday, and was dispossessed zero times in the whole match, and indeed turned over the ball zero times also. The fact he also had our most number of shots on goal for both teams, had the joint highest number of shots on goal for both teams, and created the same number of chances as Cazorla, shows that your charecterisation of him like this based on this performance is lazy at best.

        He hasn’t been up to scratch, but when he puts in a decent shift as a rotated player, we have to give him some credit on a day where he was decent, in a team that played without good drive. He is not a game changer, and should not be asked to be at his age, but he is useful rotation and played well.

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  15. An Arsenal fan group, Where Has Our Arsenal Gone? are planning a demonstration before the Gunners’ clash with Swansea City on December 1, against a perceived lack of action from the club’s board.

    Supporters will demand that minority shareholder Alisher Usmanov be given a seat on the board and a change Arsenal’s ticketing policy which sees them offer the most expensive season ticket in the country at £1,955.
    Other issues to be raised include player wages and contracts, while they are also set to demand to know who decides which players are brought into the club. Why is Arsene Wenger not taken to task on poor performances etc.Who is responsible for poor depth in the team? Who is responsible for poor team selection? Who is responsible for Motivating the team?

    “We’ve been sold the future for five years now, that tomorrow we’ll arrive at the promised land,” group spokesperson Marc Harold told The London Evening Standard.
    “We aren’t labelling it as a protest march, although we are demanding changes at boardroom level. The board has lost focus, is complacent and insular, feeling all is rosy at Arsenal when it most certainly isn’t.

    “We have done this before [in May 2011] and the turnout was a few hundred. I’d safely say that number will be quite a bit bigger this time.”

    A tense club AGM was held last month that saw manager Arsene Wenger and chief executive Ivan Gazidis grilled on the club’s matchday pricing and lack of success on the pitch.

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    • @dboy, I am still laughing at that list of demands but I am sure the Board will laugh even harder as your protest ends and every ticket in the house is sold. And as Tony Adams said yesterday as he was laughing about ye, which Arsenal is it you want? Maybe you’ll get the one that went from 71- 89 without a league title

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      • Granted, AW could do better.

        But I bet the Arsenal dboy refers to is the Arsenal that AW created and now he thinks it’s his goddamn right.

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      • Actually, I don’t know whether AW could have done better.
        Sure, the transfer cash may be his but with what conditions? Spread over 5 years? Can spend but better end up with a net profit by end-season?
        I simply do not know enough about whatever is going on, and whether AW could be blamed at all. And that applies to most of you.

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  16. I wish people would stop talking about Ramsey’s work rate, desire etc. That does not make up for his raw ability, which we all know isn’t very good.

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  17. Seeing as how Ramsey is the one responsible for Osama’s death, hed clearly be more useful to the department of defense than Arsenal football club.

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    • wrong-o bertrum old boy, twas president barack hussien obama who kicked the door in, held off waves of rabid terrorists, got the shot off, then extracted the stunned navy seal team to safety…single handedly. ramsey was nowhere in site. least thats what was said in the election

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  18. ‘SuperNintendo Chalmers’ has inspired me to find and watch that episode of the Simpsons. Thank you for putting a smile on my face after what was a very lackluster affair yesterday!

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  19. Fellas, we’re missing the big picture here : Blogs included “SuperNintendo Chalmers” in a post. Any chance of my train carriage remaining quiet this morning just flew by like an awkward Gervinho cross.

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  20. Another chance to make up ground on the weekend completely wasted. FUCK SAKE.

    Time for a change of tactics wenger? how many 0-0 draws is that this year already? Its obvious that the mid table teams know how to spoil our passing game now which to be honest is completely nowhere near as fast as it has been in recent years. If we dont have the players to play those tactics, then fucking change the tactics.

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  21. I have been really impressed with Mertesacker’s performance this year. He may not be the fastest of our defenders but he certainly is the cleverest and tactically astute. His positional sense is top notch. Big props to the big man!

    One bone of contention I have with wenger however, is his lack of squad rotation sometimes. He seems to trust only a handful of players while marginalizing quite a few. Going into matches with one recognized centre forward is bad enough. What the hell does chamakh have to do to get in the squad? I know he is not our favorite but atleast he puts a shift in. If we cant play our slick passing game why do we never seem to switch to a plan B and lump it forward to Giroud and the likes. He is exceptionally good in the air and so is Chamakh.
    We only drew. But from the way some of you are going its as if we lost by 5 or 6. And ramsey did put in a shift and he deserves credit for that.

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  22. I’m getting sick with these fucking “Gervinho out of the first team” comments. I think there’s only few players in Arsenal who can challenge on 1 on 1 and Gervinho is one of the fews. I don’t talk about skills but guts to do that. Afterall he got pretty good start of the season. I know people have to blame someone after bad results so maybe it’s fair enough for him.

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