Bradford v Arsenal – player ratings (torture special)


After one of the most embarrassing defeats of Arsene Wenger’s reign at Arsenal, Arseblog News has fingered through its book of Medieval torture methods (a must for every library) in a bid to sum up how bad last night really was.

Wojciech Szczesny: 6/10 – tooth extraction

Bacary Sagna: 5/10 – de-nailing

Per Mertesacker: 5/10 – foot roasting

Thomas Vermaelen: 4/10 – garroting

Kieran Gibbs: 5/10 – tarring and feathering

Santi Cazorla: 7/10 – blackmail

Jack Wilshere: 8/10 – tickle torture

Francis Coquelin: 6/10 – solitary confinement

Aaron Ramsey: 4/10 – eyes gouged out with a rusty spoon

Lukas Podolski: 4/10 – flaying

Gervinho: 3/10 – scaphism


Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain: 5/10 – oxygen deprivation

Tomas Rosicky: 5/10 – waterboarding

Marouane Chamakh: 4/10 – rat torture

Arseblog News would like to highlight that the punishments listed above are representative of the pain each player made us feel during the course of last night’s abject defeat…not what we’d do to the players if confronted by them at London Colney this morning.

Feel free to discuss and post your own ratings, but normal comment policy applies. If you’re not familiar with it, please read.

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