Jack Wilshere is preparing his buttocks for a dressing-room paddlin’ from the BFG despite his smokesman…sorry spokesman…insisting that he was just larking around in a moment of boyish tomfoolery when he was pictured suckling on a cigarette outside a nightclub.
A statement from Jack’s representatives, which only just stops short of claiming ‘oh but he didn’t inhale’, claims the England man was solely indulging in a prank despite some rather damning evidence suggesting he likes the odd stogie.
“Jack was with team-mates and friends. One dared Jack, who does not smoke, to momentarily hold the cigarette as part of a prank.
“Jack absolutely didn’t smoke the cigarette, and nor does he condone smoking. Jack is utterly committed to fitness and a healthy lifestyle.
“In no way is this picture an accurate reflection of his attitude towards smoking.”
Playing the role of disappointed parent, Arsene Wenger, who presumably had hoped to spend his pre-West Brom press conference talking about his side’s good form, reacted:
“I disagree completely with that behaviour. I don’t know what happened – I need to chat with him.
“The fact that you can damage your health at home, nobody sees it, you as well damage your reputation as an example.
“English society is very sensitive to smoking, more than other countries. It is more shocking here. I travelled on coaches to away games in France where you couldn’t see each other!”
Asked if Per Mertesacker will be given the responsibility of talking to Jack, the boss made clear: “He’ll get a paddlin’ from Per.”
We’ll have to see how Jack copes with the punishment meted out by dressing room debt-collector Per Mertesacker, although the BFG said he was relishing the chance to play with his weapon of choice.
“Have you seen Ben Affleck in Dazed and Confused? Das is what I’m like mit ein paddle in my hand. I get so angry.
“You remember when Chamakh got caught smoking shisha, ja? I dished out the licks with so much gusto. He was left crying in the corner like that two-bob Clive Allen…”
Arseblog News suspects it could be touch and go whether Jack makes it to the Hawthorns on Sunday.