The 10 things Arsenal need to do to get back on track

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Arsenal’s season, despite only losing two three games, has been something of a struggle so far. In this massively researched piece we put together to the 10 things that will ensure they sort themselves out and probably win something or at least come close it.

1 – Score more goals

Although Arsenal aren’t having any real problems with goal scoring, they should consider scoring some more. You can never have enough goals so they should try harder to put the ball in the net.

2 – Concede fewer goals

Sometimes they just won’t be able to do number 1 (score more goals) so in those cases they only need to score some goals, or the same amount of goals, but if they let fewer goals in this would increase their chances of winning games and get more points on the board.

3 – Make more saves and blocks and that

If Wojciech Szczesny could throw himself about a bit more, and defenders could stop chances being created in the first place or throw themselves in front of goal-bound shots, then that would seriously help with point 2 which as we know also ties in with point 1. If Arsenal can get together a 1-2-3 combo then their results will improve dramatically.

4 – Cut out the injuries

What Arsene Wenger needs to do is ensure he signs players who never get injured. For a man with an economics degree not to have weighed up the idea of a genetic engineering programme that would provide the club with babies that have more robust muscles and dense bones – but which don’t come at the expense of speed, weight or mobility – is ludicrous.

A quick napkin calculation here shows that a Mesut Ozil injury over 12 weeks @£175,000 per week x time injured x points dropped % average industrial wage + two scientist salaries & test tube equipment = the square root of all the other injured players and using Pithanisaurus’s Theorem we can see the cost to Arsenal per year is somewhere in the region of £82,000,000.

Think what they could do with that money in the field of biomechanical sperm manufacture.

5 – Win more games

Arsenal have drawn 63.285% of their games this season. Wenger doesn’t seem to realise that you get more points for winning. If Arsenal could convert some of these draws into wins then they would be much higher up the table.

6 – Stop not buying defenders

Although Wenger bought two defenders in the summer – Mathieu Debuchy and Calum Chambers – he didn’t buy enough to cope with injuries and rotation and is now being forced to play Nacho Monreal at centre-half. It doesn’t take a genius to realise that he didn’t buy enough defenders and he should stop doing that and buy enough defenders from now on.

7 – Midfield issues have to be fixed

There was a time when Arsenal had a powerful midfield that was tall, strong, physically imposing and as tough as old boots. Now they don’t have that. What Wenger should do is go out and get a midfield that is tall, strong, physically imposing and as tough as old boots.

8 – Sort out the Joel Campbell situation

The Costa Rican forward has barely played for the club this season despite having a good 90 minutes in the World Cup 5 months ago. What has Campbell done to earn Wenger’s ire in the meantime? Was he overheard slagging off the manager’s favourite brand of muesli – a crime which saw Stefan Malz never given the chances he deserved.

If there’s one thing Arsenal lack right now it’s options in the wide-forward positions so to ignore a chap who scored a few goals in Greece seems crazy.

9 – Get help

Last season Liverpool used a sports psychologist to hypnotise players like Jordan Henderson into thinking they were actually quite good. Maybe the Arsenal manager should give Derren Brown or Tony Wonder a call and have them work their magic on his squad.

10 – Win things

All of Arsenal’s problems would be solved if they could just win the Premier League and the Champions League. That an experienced manager like Wenger hasn’t thought to just go and do that beggars belief but hopefully this article will point him in the right direction.

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