Official lottery partner announced

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Arseblog News is delighted to announce that Fred Dipthong from Letchworth has become our official lottery partner.

Fred (57, pictured below) will go out once a week and buy £10 worth of quick-pick lottery tickets with the aim of making us so obscenely wealthy that we can run this website from hammocks whilst being swarmed by puppies.

Dipthong will begin his new role immediately after his bowel reconstruction surgery.
Dipthong has bowel problems, but hopefully not lottery ball problems

After a difficult and lengthy recruitment process, Dipthong was chosen for his studious nature and his aversion to picking the same numbers every week.

“That’s a mug’s game,” he told us. “Imagine one week I don’t make it to the shops, perhaps I get hit by a car or I hear Piers Morgan on the radio and my head, literally, explodes.

“If those numbers came up and old Fred hadn’t bought the tickets your delight would soon turn to despair. Random numbers, that’s the way to give yourself the best opportunity of winning what’s already a 1 in 13,983,816 chance.”

Other candidates advocated the use of fixed numbers; doing it in the bookies; and one, very much a favourite of the Arseblog News Hound, suggested taking the tenner and buying 12 cans of cheap lager instead.

Arseblog News looks forward to a long and fruitful partnership with Fred who will begin his role immediately after serious bowel reconstruction surgery that he might not survive, but he better because we gave him a month’s money in advance.

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