Official lottery partner announced

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Arseblog News is delighted to announce that Fred Dipthong from Letchworth has become our official lottery partner.

Fred (57, pictured below) will go out once a week and buy £10 worth of quick-pick lottery tickets with the aim of making us so obscenely wealthy that we can run this website from hammocks whilst being swarmed by puppies.

Dipthong will begin his new role immediately after his bowel reconstruction surgery.
Dipthong has bowel problems, but hopefully not lottery ball problems

After a difficult and lengthy recruitment process, Dipthong was chosen for his studious nature and his aversion to picking the same numbers every week.

“That’s a mug’s game,” he told us. “Imagine one week I don’t make it to the shops, perhaps I get hit by a car or I hear Piers Morgan on the radio and my head, literally, explodes.

“If those numbers came up and old Fred hadn’t bought the tickets your delight would soon turn to despair. Random numbers, that’s the way to give yourself the best opportunity of winning what’s already a 1 in 13,983,816 chance.”

Other candidates advocated the use of fixed numbers; doing it in the bookies; and one, very much a favourite of the Arseblog News Hound, suggested taking the tenner and buying 12 cans of cheap lager instead.

Arseblog News looks forward to a long and fruitful partnership with Fred who will begin his role immediately after serious bowel reconstruction surgery that he might not survive, but he better because we gave him a month’s money in advance.

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35 Comments on "Official lottery partner announced"

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Cornelius P. Snuffington III
Cornelius P. Snuffington III

The real question is, what new features will you introduce to the site with all the winnings when Mr. Dipthong comes through?

Rectum_Spectrum

It is important to Arseblog to operate fully within the limits of his own resources. New features will not be added unless they are super quality, and improve what features we already have.

GoonerN16

Not forgetting of course, that they will have to be “worldclass”…..

Alex

This is a logical diversification of the Arseblog investment portfolio which has my full and unreserved support.

Tom Thumb

“Serious bowel Reconstructive surgery that he might not survive” I laughed so hard I might need the same surgery

FullMetalGooner

I once won the lottery playing the numbers 4, 8, 15, 16, 23 & 42. I thought I was the luckiest guy alive until my plane crashed and I got stranded on this weird island. Luckily I managed to escape, although I’ve got the nagging sense I’ve really been dead all along and it’s all going to end rather anticlimactic and disappointingly.

Le Jim

Fabregas, Nasri, ___, Denilson, Bendtner, ___

Someone help me out on 15 and 42? It’s doing me head in!

Cornelius P. Snuffington III
Cornelius P. Snuffington III

15 is easy mate: Ray Parlour. As for 42, you’re on your own.

Mesut

42 is the answer to life, the universe and everything. So probably Bendtner.

Cornelius P. Snuffington III
Cornelius P. Snuffington III

Also, Bendtner never wore 23, he was 26. And come to think of it, Denilson was also 15. Also, fuck the other guys. Here’s the best of those numbers in the Premier League era:

4: Patrick Vieira
8: Freddi Ljungberg
15: Ray Parlour
16: Aaron Ramsey
23: Sol Campbell
42: Nobody worth mentioning

RamseyMidfieldNightmare
RamseyMidfieldNightmare

42. Isaac Hayden?

Hopefully he is worth mentioning, too early to tell though.

The number has also been occupied by Owusu-Abeyie and Kerrea Gibert. Yikes!

God is Bergkamp, Bergkamp is God
God is Bergkamp, Bergkamp is God

23=ARSHAVIN

pony tulips

Dude wut?

Cornelius P. Snuffington III
Cornelius P. Snuffington III

Feeling lost?

Deezer

6 FUCKING YEARS, I’ll sit there watching you on that Island. Only to find out it was a dream sequence in a DFS furniture commercial.

FullMetalGooner

Much like Stevie G’s Liverpool career, I might add…

Ron

That’s great as it will help you compete better with other blogs who are a year or two ahead with their lottery partnerships.

But when you’re a man down for five-a-side on a friday night are you prepared to put up with all the “It’s OK, Dipthong can play there” sarcastic jibes?

The outside of rosicky's boot
The outside of rosicky's boot

It’ll all be swell until we reimburse Dipthong with £3 million for “a range of advisory services to arseblog news”

Ferngunner

Hopefully Fred Dipthong can be drafted right in to face Stoke..
….Oh what’s this im hearing he is not a CF?

Man

Gutted. I misread it as “Official Lottery Panther Announced”.

Make it happen blogs.

Jeremy

CommentHow about a regular column on famous or infamous moments from Arsenals past.

Ozziegun

But can he do it on a cold rainy night in stoke

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