Walcott beats Bellerin in speed test that really matters

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Show of hands – how many of you out there were happy that Theo Walcott signed a new deal?

Hands down.

walcott_fifa_fastestNow, how many of you were happy he signed a new deal because he’s fast as shit on FIFA?

Woooah. That’s a lot of hands.

Those in the latter group will be happy to hear that Theo is still the whizziest, zippiest, runningnest, speediest chap in the game, with a pace attribute of 96! That puts him ahead of Gareth Bale and Borussia Dortmund’s Pierre-Emerick Aubamayeng who have 94 and 95 respectively.

We reached out to Hector Bellerin’s people but they wouldn’t go on record. We did hear some background grumbling about a lawsuit though.

So, Walcott on the right in your front three, R2 like your life depends on it … and then he crosses it straight to keeper. Ah well.

Other Arsenal player attributes

Mesut Ozil: Through-balls – 91

Olivier Giroud: Heading – 83

Per Mertesacker: Standing tackle – 90

Francis Coquelin: Slide-tackle – 70 (disgrace!)

Alexis Sanchez: Shooting from distance – 88

Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain: Dribbling – 84

Aaron Ramsey: Blandness in interviews – 93

Jack Wilshere: Existential melancholia – 78

Santi Cazorla: Smileosity – 99

Petr Cech: Drumming – 65

Mathieu Flamini: Pointing – 100

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61 Comments on "Walcott beats Bellerin in speed test that really matters"

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Man Manny

Just beat Stoke.

Hi-brid

Did we? Cool.

Arsepedant

Excellent, I’ll put a fiver on the result then.

Stuart_Ten

Walcott: Involvement in Play – 50

Ben

A bit harsh, it’s much higher than that*

*(if the balls on his side, and the opposition is playing a high line, and the wind direction is right)

goonerbynature

And Jupiter is facing Mercury and it’s within 3 weeks either side of the winter solstice…

Double98

Walcott, passing 92, likeliness to be in a position to pass 8.

Nicolae

Joel Campbell – Loan 97

Ckmgma

Olivier giroud – 6 pack selfies 100

Bould's Eyeliner

Ryo Miyaichi – Cone Collection 100

El Piresidente

Cech only 65 for drumming? Fuck them

Rohith J

Arteta: Hair – 97

Eames

Hair 97?! Fuck off, his hair is perfecto.

Kanu's big toe

Only 97?! Bit harsh.

morph

97??? a bad day for Arteta? :O

Arse Sutra

Obviously walcott is the fastest…
As he is so good in running away from responsibilities ….

Nigel Sommerburn

How can Le Coq’s sliding tackle ability only be 70?! Hope his Stand tackle is at least 80 then, and the EA people just thought that was the only way he did all his tackling.. Blimey!

But then again, these people have given The Dutch Skunk a finishing ability of 86.. It’s like they are just trying to as wrong as possible at this point.

Stuart_Ten

..you can’t deny TDS has always been a good finsher.

Nigel Sommerburn

If EA based his finishing ability off last season’s performances, they shouldn’t be as high as 86.

GunnAlex

Wilshere – 5 Star weak bones rating

The Only Olivier is Giroud
The Only Olivier is Giroud

We won’t be able to mount a credible title challenge without a 90+ Existential Melancholia striker imo. Don’t tell me none was available- Victor Frankl moved (albeit back in with his mum) this window! Wenger out ffs

Holygrail

Jenkinson : Banter – 98

Le Jim

Theo, Chambo, Hector, Alexis, Welbz. This is gonna be fun 😉

arseman

i liked this read i was going to comment saying i didnt like the headline when i first saw it on newsnow but then i read the entry and was quite entertained. keep it up!!

Chuffy

Mourinho, Cunt: 98
John Terry , Ugly cunt: 99.
Michael Owen, boring cunt: 100

Kahn?Kanu!

The all have the “Complete Cunt” trait aswell

LemmeTakeASzczelfie

Flamini: Following Özil around 103

Gabe

My goodness, Flamini needs to change his ways, first he got 100 for pointing, now 103 for oziling around, Lol.

Meanwhile, this is about the funniest set of comments I have ever read on any site, laughing with tears in my eyes mehn.

Hi-brid

Agreed, I just choked on a fish finger and inhaled brown sauce.

Kahn?Kanu!

Arteta – Trophy lifting 97

only stat he will be needing

Gunsen Gunner

I’m just glad I don’t have to buy a new keeper in this year’s Fifa. A striker and DM should be enough for the quadruple.

Mac

Ozil. Looking grumpy whenever substituted – 98

duke

I heard that they made it so that Ozil can only receive a 10 or a 0 match rating

Bonjour

Nice witty one there

Goonerestgooner

Oxlade-Chamberlain: Ninja Turtleness – 100

God is Bergkamp, Bergkamp is God
God is Bergkamp, Bergkamp is God

Correlating stat, Ox’s ‘Za consumption only at 94. Shame on you EA

Patrick Wilson

Which one is he? Looks like a mikey – all laid back and such

Goonerestgooner

R2??? Am I the only one running with R1?

(My brother in law is proper “old skool”, he still uses triangle for sprint)

Holyviper

One benefit of that used to be differentiating between running with the ball and sharing the ball. I liked that. But you lose a whole new vocabulary of passing without a designated button for through balls.

Gandalf

Yeah i use R1 to sprint too.

In fact I use all the old Pes controls

50 Shades of Gandalf the Grey
50 Shades of Gandalf the Grey

Me too my friend, the new controls are demons of the modern world!

Marv Tha' gooner

R1 rules. I get so many groans when I reconfigure controllers. LOL!

David

Wenger: Ignoring Podolski & Campbell – 101

J Bird

Gabriel: Death stare – 99

Walcott's left footed curl
Walcott's left footed curl

Alexis: Dog friendlyness – 98

Arsepedant

Same rating for bunny-saving.

aaron

Gibbs : Oxladeness – 100

Mr Media

The central defenders always nick the ball off Walcott’s toes if he goes through the centre. I can only play him on the wing. No up fronty matey. Sorry Theo.

Marv Tha' gooner

John Terry: Screwing teammates WAG – 100

Beezus Fuffoon

Ospina: Neck – 0

Bosscielny

Spurs:shit -100

Hi-brid

Campbell: Getting out while he could – 0

Kenyan Gooner

Wellington Gibbs: Oxyness – 100

Trump

Mertz speed 101+

toni

Lord Bendtner; All time Best Player 101 but cant forget his sublime die-min header of the bench against sp*rs. long live lord Bendtner!

Rasta Gooner

Sorry this probably only comment not to make u laugh but damn these comments here today were all on that hundred knob! Or should I say button, buzzer, notch.

Goonerific

Diaby injury rate: 100%

Titty Twistah

Giroud:
Propensity to Shag Before Game in the Early Hours 69

BillyBatts

Who cares? Pro Evo 4 lyfe.

Komo

If coquelin was in Chelsea his rating would be ……..
So is the business end of FIFA. Sad world put to life.

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