Show of hands – how many of you out there were happy that Theo Walcott signed a new deal?
Now, how many of you were happy he signed a new deal because he’s fast as shit on FIFA?
Woooah. That’s a lot of hands.
Those in the latter group will be happy to hear that Theo is still the whizziest, zippiest, runningnest, speediest chap in the game, with a pace attribute of 96! That puts him ahead of Gareth Bale and Borussia Dortmund’s Pierre-Emerick Aubamayeng who have 94 and 95 respectively.
We reached out to Hector Bellerin’s people but they wouldn’t go on record. We did hear some background grumbling about a lawsuit though.
So, Walcott on the right in your front three, R2 like your life depends on it … and then he crosses it straight to keeper. Ah well.
Other Arsenal player attributes
Mesut Ozil: Through-balls – 91
Olivier Giroud: Heading – 83
Per Mertesacker: Standing tackle – 90
Francis Coquelin: Slide-tackle – 70 (disgrace!)
Alexis Sanchez: Shooting from distance – 88
Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain: Dribbling – 84
Aaron Ramsey: Blandness in interviews – 93
Jack Wilshere: Existential melancholia – 78
Santi Cazorla: Smileosity – 99
Petr Cech: Drumming – 65
Mathieu Flamini: Pointing – 100