Ladies and gentleman, welcome to another exciting adventure in the incredible, fantastical, orgasmical, splendiferous, magnificent tale of ‘What the hell is going on with Mathieu Debuchy?!’
In our last episode, you’ll remember arch-villain, The Cud Chewing Walrus of the North-East, cast shade on the French international’s public entreaties about wanting to leave the club.
“I’m not sure he really wants to leave Arsenal,” bellowed Samwell T Allardcye – despite the fact Debuchy is on record about 15 times in the last 6 months saying that’s exactly what he wants to do –guest “or that Arsene Wenger would let him go!”, in spite of the Arsenal manager saying he’d be willing to let him leave, more than once.
We suspect Allardyce might be spending too much time in his underground lair where he makes plans to consume people with his slime ducts, and not paying enough attention to what’s happening in the real world.
Today, at his press conference, Wenger reiterated his stance, but was none the wiser as to the former Newcastle man’s final destination.
“Mathieu Debuchy might go somewhere,” he said, “but I don’t know where. A decision has to be made quickly now.
“He has much interest in him, but I have a number of people who can play right back so I opened the door for him because at the moment he doesn’t play and has Bellerin in front.”
Time is running out, like in that series with Kiefer Sutherland in which he only has 24 hours to save the day, and if the 24 hours run out something terrible will happen, and lots of things happen in those 24 hours and when the 24 hours are up he just about prevents the world from exploding.
I think it was called ‘One day at a time sweet Jesus’.
Where will Debuchy go? How will he get there? Will it be in time to save the world? Find out in the next exciting adventure!
Or the next one. Or the one after that. Or … you know yourself.
ps – We should point out that there’s no suggestion that Debuchy is being anything other than 100% professional, training well and everything else. It’s just the situation itself is a bit tedious now.