Wenger seeking quick Debuchy resolution

Mathieu Debuchy 24

Ladies and gentleman, welcome to another exciting adventure in the incredible, fantastical, orgasmical, splendiferous, magnificent tale of ‘What the hell is going on with Mathieu Debuchy?!’

In our last episode, you’ll remember arch-villain, The Cud Chewing Walrus of the North-East, cast shade on the French international’s public entreaties about wanting to leave the club.

“I’m not sure he really wants to leave Arsenal,” bellowed Samwell T Allardcye – despite the fact Debuchy is on record about 15 times in the last 6 months saying that’s exactly what he wants to do –guest  “or that Arsene Wenger would let him go!”, in spite of the Arsenal manager saying he’d be willing to let him leave, more than once.

We suspect Allardyce might be spending too much time in his underground lair where he makes plans to consume people with his slime ducts, and not paying enough attention to what’s happening in the real world.

Today, at his press conference, Wenger reiterated his stance, but was none the wiser as to the former Newcastle man’s final destination.

“Mathieu Debuchy might go somewhere,” he said, “but I don’t know where. A decision has to be made quickly now.

“He has much interest in him, but I have a number of people who can play right back so I opened the door for him because at the moment he doesn’t play and has Bellerin in front.”

Time is running out, like in that series with Kiefer Sutherland in which he only has 24 hours to save the day, and if the 24 hours run out something terrible will happen, and lots of things happen in those 24 hours and when the 24 hours are up he just about prevents the world from exploding.

I think it was called ‘One day at a time sweet Jesus’.

Where will Debuchy go? How will he get there? Will it be in time to save the world? Find out in the next exciting adventure!

Or the next one. Or the one after that. Or … you know yourself.

ps – We should point out that there’s no suggestion that Debuchy is being anything other than 100% professional, training well and everything else. It’s just the situation itself is a bit tedious now.


  1. I don’t give a fuck what happens to this guy after his bullshit. He’s been shit every time he’s played this season, I see no reason to believe he’s any better than Chambers as a backup to Bellerin at this point.

    Debuchy started well last season and I think it might have worked out for him if not for the injuries, but Bellerin is better and younger anyway, and now that we see what a little shit Debuchy is, I’m glad it didn’t work out.

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    • I did sympathise with him over the way it went down though, until he opened his mouth and let us get a glimpse of what he’s like.

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    • Debuchy is a cry baby. He really has been poor when put in the team. Why did he expect to walk straight back in the team after the injury despite bellerin’s good form? Because he wants to play in the Euros? He is a joker. He should have worked hard and earned his place. Wenger has been fair here!

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  2. Worst series ever: Main character whines and moans, non-stop, for 24 hours. Good thing Jack Bauer Is running things in the actual one! 😀

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  3. I would be very surprised if he was selected for the Euros. I imagine we’ll sell him next season for a fraction of what we signed him for. I imagine he can still do a decent job at right back for most teams.

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  4. OUTRAGEOUS bad idea I want to bring jack Bauer NOW or else I’ll be upset Oh also we want keifer Sutherland back right NOW I don’t care about stupid Corey Hawkins and Miranda Otto both weak I hate Corey Hawkins and Miranda Otto too I want 24 episode on Fox see you Friday night at nine pm sound good good

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    • I have to put this out there… Why the fuck is everyone being so sensitive about debuchy?? (Even the newshound had to caveat at the end) Debuchy has not fought for his place, openly does not want to be at the club (we love) and states so to the media, when he has played he’s been rubbish this season. In the words of the great Bill Hicks ‘Whining little maggot!’ Doesn’t deserve to be at the Arsenal although I genuinely do hope that he makes it the Euros only to score a hat trick of own goals in the opening before a seagul shits in his gobsmacked open mouth as he lays prostrate on the floor thinking about the league title he missed out on and the Caribbean island where he could be holidaying instead. Whining little maggot!

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  5. Am I the only one who feels we should not let him go?

    Yeah we have a few guys that can play there but none of them are specialist right backs.

    He’s looked rusty when he’s played but I have no doubt he is still capable. He is under contract to play for AFC. Why should we make-do when we spent so much to fill that hole.

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    • I would keep him too. For squad depth.
      Someone pointed he might be or become toxic to the squad in general and ruin the mood in the dressing room. That’s the only thing that bothers me.

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  6. Since Debuchy seems to prefer Aston Villa, I would suggest that Arsenal offer to accept 600,000
    (my keyboard doesn’t have an obvious key for Pounds Sterling) now, with a proviso that it will
    be increased to 1,800,000 if Villa retains its status in the Premier League. It’s a gamble, but Arsenal can afford it.

    One of the reasons I have become an avid Arsenal fan, is Wenger’s and the entire organization’s dedication to the welfare of our players. Clearly, Debuchy needs a transfer to restart his career and get a shot at the Euros. It’s the Arsenal way to help him out.

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