Arsenal set to be investigated over suspicious fitness issues

65

Arsenal are braced for an investigation after newspaper reports yesterday showed highly suspicious fitness issues at the club.

The Telegraph have revealed that for the first time this season not a single Arsenal player missed training because of injury. Arsene Wenger had the full complement of players available to him thus leading experts to suggest something was amiss.

“This is Arsenal, after all,” said an industry leading expert who spoke to Arseblog News on the proviso that he, Randolph Spongetrimmer, remain anonymous.

“We’re talking about men who can strain a calf getting out of their car too quickly, snap an Achilles changing the TV channel, and rupture a cruciate ligament by thinking about whether or not Jon Snow is really dead.

“It’s clear there’s something very dubious going on here, and with all the latest revelations about doping in football, it wouldn’t be a surprise to discover Arsene Wenger and Shad Forsythe have been cooking up their own medicine in an RV out the back of the training ground.”

Club sources have denied this is the case, and insist the current situation is down to ‘blind luck … wait, don’t say that.

‘Say ‘Because we’re making great strides from a medical point of view’. That’s much better.’

Neither Wenger or Forsythe were available for comment, with a club spokesperson saying they were enjoying a meal at their favourite fried chicken restaurant. Just for the chicken. No other reason at all.

Leave a Reply

65 Comments on "Arsenal set to be investigated over suspicious fitness issues"

avatar
Sort by:   newest | oldest | most voted
Cornelius P. Snuffington III
Cornelius P. Snuffington III

That headline…

I don’t think any person/club would look more foolish as a result of a doping scandal than Arsenal would, what with the strong stance of Wenger and laughable performance of the club. Not that I think it’s happening of course, for precisely those reasons, but that’s where you took me.

Highberry

Tell you what I’d investigate that the bookies are set to pay out millions because Leicester (a team that was so bad last year they were on the brink of being relegated) are going to win the league we’re on course to fight our way to fourth again and last years champions are languishing in mid table. It is almost as if it was a cunning plan cooked up by foreign investors and a manager with a degree in economics to make (another) fortune with outsider bets. But that couldn’t happen could it? The next thing you’ll be telling me is that FIFA is corrupt erm………

Halles

Are you one of those guys that read headlines and jump straight to the comment section? That’s not a good thing to do, mate. Really.

Halles

*reads and jumps of course. I guess it’s too early for me today.

ndkbse

Cue the pedantic grammar Nazis but I think “read” and “jump” are correct as “guys” is plural so the verbs need to be singular

Yankee Gooner

The subject is “one,” which is modified by “of those guys,” so the verbs do need to agree with the singular “one.” It’s a pretty common error, making the verb agree with the object of a prepositional phrase. And: football.

edan

@Yankee Gooner: You are wrong. It’s not a question of singular vs plural, but of different tenses. You either say “one of those guys that reads headlines and jumps straight…” or you modify the tense and say “one of those guys that will read headlines and jump straight…”. Notice the “will” modifying the tense.

Highberry

Nope I’m one of those guys who adds a tongue in cheek post to an obviously humorous article

Kash

The grammar is perfectly correct in the first sentence. It is NOT “..one of the guys that (who) reads and jumps..” but “.. one of those guys that(who) read and jump..” i.e you are just one of the many who do that.

Keith

WHOOOOOOOOOSHHH!!

Crash Fistfight

Why does everyone think Cornelius P Snuffington III thought this article was serious?

Does nobody note the use of the word ‘would’ in his post???

GunnAlex

Was it Cesc who threw the pizza on Emirates roof?

lonsdale

After finding out he wasn’t going to rejoin, he threw the celebratory pizza on the roof and went to get a curry with Mourinho.

I know, it makes me feel ill too.

Alistair Nairn

If only we had all our players fit for even 90% of the season that would be a major improvement & who knows the difference that would have made. Here’s hoping for next season!!

Arsene Wenger

That’s a little bit too much, I would be happy with 89%

Askzidane

Los pollos hermanos?

Phil348

“Ting ting ting ting ting ting ting ting ting ting ting……. ” lets get the old Mexican guy in the wheelchair to do the half time team talk away at Stoke next season.

Bob's Mexican Cousin

My grandpa looks just like him, no joke

Jamie Vardinho

Pics or it didnt happen. Preferably behind a table with some thinly spread flour and a 20 pound note

someone's something

Firmly believe McCringelberry has something to do with this.

Arsene Wenger

You’re confusing him with O’Pringleberry. Inventor of sour cream and onion.

Crash Fistfight

When I saw the headline I thought it was going to be about the dodgy doc’s comments in the times – well played, sir, this put a smile on my face.

I’m surprised everyone is uninjured though – what about Arleta?

voldermort

His body is in pieces in legoland but his hair is intact so he counts as uninjured

Crash Fistfight

Haha, genius!

I feel bad for Arteta – he was really underrated when at his best, but since about 18 months ago his body has fallen to pieces. I’d like him to take up a role with us – not sure if/why he has an affinity with Guardiola (would they have interacted at Barca?).

Jean-Luc

Don’t worry about Arteta. He’s going to be the next Pep.

eduardo

the odd thing about the Arteta injury situation this season is that he has barely missed any training, especially the second half of the season, but has not been included in a match day squad.

Mpls

It seems to me all parties concerned there see the writing on the wall. I think Arteta is maturely accepting his situation.

A good man, worthy of our respect.

Arsene-al fan

They have all got themselves fit for the most important time of the year.

It’s time to spend some of that money and get on the beach.

Skinnyarse

They really should stop ordering pizza and chucking leftovers on the floor where most of the players have slipped on bits of sweet corn and jalapeños, and Wenger knows this and he knows he is guilty of pushing them to eat these highly addictive junk food. He has tried to give them bibs to eat with so bits of food doesn’t go everywhere on his floor but the boys just can’t get used to wearing bibs. Wenger is guilty of not teaching them to eat pizza properly and should be given a lifetime ban from management 😆

Alex

When a guy like Wislere who is supposed to be the past, the present, the future, the everything in Arsenal is not punished for repeatedly smoking and drinking, when his antics are said to be his “private life”, then so be it. Is he an example for the young ones? Would the others mind for an additional glass of beer or one hour or two more in a night-club before training?

Almunia

Elsewhere, there will be no st. Totteringham celebrations this year

Mark Hughes

Now they have hilariously ballsed up their chances of the league, they might stop playing and suddenly we close the gap. Fairly unlikely but so was Chelsea’s implosion and Leicester’s league win.

Paul

With the Deli bloke on a charge for eating too many cut meats? You never know!

Paul

Kane could easily get injured tripping over his bottom lip with all the Spuds disappointment…

voldermort

In a way this is better. They got so close but will ultimately fail and the pain for them will be worse.
If we can sort ourselves out then they will just dissappear into the oblivion from whence they came. And order will be restored.

Dom47

Yes, but I’d rather have us in their position and fuck it up, going upwards with a young and determined manager and squad than us, stagnating (which is going downwards really), with a manager and most of the squad keeping their heads in the sand or in the clouds, whichever you prefer. I’m not simpatizing or being positive about the scum in any way so pls, no thumbs down for that reason :))

Lloyd Townsend

Bad comment IMO. Name some of these “young and determined” managers who we’d actually be able to get (and would actually want)? The only person that comes to mind is unfortunately Pocchetino. Age is no barrier in particular, especially considering Ranieri is winning the league.

Dom47

Ok.. At the moment, de Boer, Koeman (not really young but many years ahead of him). Simeone, maybe, he’ll for sure want a change of scenery and taking Arsenal over after 20 years will be most of the managers’ dream I’m sure. If the board would have an ambition to match his. That Basel guy is doing a really great job, Yakin I think. Thomas Tuchel looks like a grat manager in the making as well. Probably 1 or two British managers surely have great potential, although I’m not following any in particular (but Howe was mentioned by some football experts, even in Arsecast if I remember well). Maybe Allegri, he is becoming much better than in Milan. Why not. From previous options, we had a chance with Klopp for sure, Conte was there.. Guardiola, as a gentleman would very seriously think about the post if Arsene had been real and left on time, he might even persuade him to come. I don’t think that a few millions more that shitty would offer would mean much, Arsenal have a better infrastructure in place, more history, bigger global appeal and London is a much nicer place to live. Guardiola does not strike me as a sugardaddy type of club guy, like Mourinho etc. He has class, something that at least has not left Arsenal. So this is what I regret the most about what Arsene has done. It could happen that he has done miracles for this club, really prepared it for the future, with amazing stadium, facilities, finances but his lack of ability for healthy introspection might have made him blind to see that he might be blocking the club from moving forward at this time. He should have left after 2nd FA cup win I think because there was no big progress in that season in comparison to the season where we had our 1st FA cup win after many trophyless years. I respect you opinion but I don’t agree. There are many exceptional managers who are on the up out there.

Hadvar

You have to welcome footballers who are actually available to play football really. Could even have made the difference I guess, had Jack not got trapped in that old fridge, or Santi not fallen into that silage pit. A lot of people seem to be hoping that Theo will get into a car with a stranger, and there’s the ever present risk that Alexis’ Frisbee will go into an electricity sub station, or Ozil will start flying his kite next to some pylons.

Brendan

Long may it continue

Al Gilmore

My life is empty and useless cos I haven’t watched Breaking Bad and don’t know what all these references mean..

bazza-wicks

JOHN TERRY IS A CUNT

ndkbse

On a related subject – Diaby’s comeback lasted a game and 63 minutes before limping off injured…

a

never mind the injuries, these players giroud, ramsey, walcott, mertesacker need to have the brains checked for intelligence, heart for desire, and testicles because they have no balls when the pressure drops.

i

Brian wallace

Since the Arsenal canteen started serving ‘Liam Brady’s racehorse placenta stew’ and ‘Willy Young’s ginger & asparagus soup’ the injured have become miraculously healed.

heihaci

Arsene is Walter White Jnr?

Gunner from Ghana

Is Jon Snow really dead?

Sam

Haha class

Les

It’s all down to careful planning – everyone is fit because the season is over.

IamsterdamGooner

Yooo that Arsene picture man xD hahaha might be the kush talkin but thats just fuckin genius i dont care bout the article no more haha

I’l go back n read it tho… If the pics anything to go by it should be good 🙂

Naija Gunner

Hmmmmmn…Funny lot, thanks for making me laugh guys

Freddie Red Pubes

Ah good banter, better than the usual foreign crap!

wpDiscuz