London’s 4,557,475th richest man wants to buy Arsenal, would make changes


Following reports that one of Africa’s richest men, Aliko Dangote, would sack Arsene Wenger if he took over the club, one of London’s least wealthy residents has given his backing to the petroleum magnate and said he’d do likewise.

Dizzy Pocklington, known to regulars in his local as ‘spoony’ due to the grotesquely convex appearance of his face, said that he too would like to buy Arsenal and make sweeping changes.

The 47 year old, who shares a room in a house for the indigent, works part time and simply doesn’t have the funds to make the purchase, but is just as likely to buy the club as Dangote.

Speaking exclusively to Arseblog News, he said, “I was a big fan of Arsene Wenger when he was winning things, but I think it’s time for a new man to take charge now.

“Someone with passion, who will stand up during the games and bellow at the players on the field with a voice like the mating call of a rabid moose.

“And what does Steve Bould even do? He just sits there, anyone can sit just there. You want an assistant who won’t put up with any nonsense either. Two men rampaging around the technical area for 90 minutes, that’s what we need.”

Pocklington also advocates a strong transfer policy, and no tolerance for players that won’t sign new deals.

“I don’t care how good they are,” he said, “if they won’t sign then they’re gone. Sanchez, out. Ozil, out. Oxlade-Chamberlain, out. Wilshere, out.

“Replace them with youth prospects, players that really want to play for the Arsenal, who will give 110%.

“As for all the others we don’t want, just let them go. Pay them to leave. Who cares how much it costs, it’s not my money.”

When Arseblog News pointed out that it was indeed his money, at least hypothetically, he got very angry and tried to bite us, before turning his ire at the current board.

“I’ve had enough of Stan Krockny, Ivan Gazindis and Sir Flipper or whatever his name is. They’re just sitting in their irony tower looking down on us proper fans.

“I’d also change the badge to the old one, put the terraces back, make the apprentices clean boots, and restore us to the glory days of the 70s and 80s when football was really football and not this carnival of poncery you see today.”

At this juncture the interview came to an abrupt halt when Pocklington saw one of the other residents of the house use a bit of his butter so he cracked a wooden chair over his back and began to kick him while he was on the ground.

We thought it best to leave, but it’s good to know there are still people out there with real vision for the future of this great club.

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