After an exhaustive investigation, Arseblog News tonight exclusively reveals the shocking news that will rock the football world to its very foundations: not all players who play for the same team like each other.
It had previously been thought that all the chaps were like incredible amigos who all hung out together, had massive banterous japes in WhatsApp groups, and took turns having slumber parties where they’d stay up all night and tell each other secrets before playing Truth or Dare.
However, after months of intense investigative work by renowned Professor Godfrey Twatschlock – Head of Sociology at Trinity College, Dublin – it has come to light that this is not even remotely true.
“The work we did was incredible,” said the professor. “It turns out that just as in any other workplace, when you stick 25 people in the same place every day, in a high pressure environment, some of them are just not going to get along.
“I know some will find this hard to believe, but this is work based on that most immutable of laws: the law of averages.
“There’s always gonna be the one guy who is just a dick. Then there’s the fella who doesn’t know he’s a dick but he’s an even bigger dick than the other dick.
“There’s the try-too-hard; the one whose hygiene is suspect; the ‘do you actually try and say stupid stuff or are you just that stupid?’ lad; the so nice he’s a wanker bloke; the gimp who can’t pass for toffee; and so on.
“Until now football has been seen as a kind of sociological utopia, where the bonds of sport have transcended the basics of human relationships, but our research shows that is simply not the case.
“Quite where the game goes from here now is anybody’s guess.”
We reached out to the FA and other official bodies for comment, but nobody was prepared to go on record except for Teddy Sheringham who wanted to tell us all about Andy Cole but we told him to stick it up his bum.
Can football survive this astonishing revelation? Probably not, but the sooner we face up the realities, the better its chances.