Arsenal v Montpellier – player ratings (sandwich special)


Time to trawl the dictionary and thesaurus for our single word player review and ratings after last night’s 2-0 win over Montpellier in the Champions League.

*Please note, we reserve the right to invent our own words at any time. Or, when circumstances dictate, use more than one word which may or may not include words we’ve invented.

Wojciech Szczesny: 7/10 – Ham and cheese

Bacary Sagna: 8/10 – Tuna melt

Per Mertesacker: 8/10 – Foot long

Laurent Koscielny: 7/10 – Turkey and stuffing

Thomas Vermaelen: 8/10 –  Cheese toastie (made with a Breville)

Mikel Arteta: 8/10 – Butifarra

Jack Wilshere: 8/10 – Double-bacon butty

Santi Cazorla: 8/10 –  Jamón serrano

Lukas Podolski: 9/10 – Spicy bratwurst

Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain6/10 – Ketchup

Olivier Giroud: 9.5/10 – Pepito al punto


Aaron Ramsey: 7/10 – Egg and chips (runny yolk)

Gervinho: 6/10 – Petrol station salad

Francis Coquelin: Sausage

Feel free to discuss and post your own ratings, but normal comment policy applies. If you’re not familiar with it, please read.

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Le Coq – Sausage
Mertesacker – Foot Long
Hahaha. Brilliant.

Runcorn Gooner

Jack must be a Club Sandwich….
Our Club.

Merlin's Panini

yeh, I was thinking that too. Or maybe Arsene could be that.


Koscielny 7? For me he was the best in the defence.


Yeah that mistake which led to a free kick and chance, where he made up for it immediately by saving a shot that was heading for the goal. Easily the best defender in this team and not just in this game. Barcelona are not after him for no reason. He’s quick, tough, reads the game really well and top class on the ball as well. For me a toss up for MOM with THE POD. Giroud can’t possibly MOM with that shocking first half, where he got owned by their CB. Great second half though, the man has heart


Sorry, it’s ridiculous Blogs.

MotM HFB, 2nd best performer was Kozza.


Agreed – Kos was our best defender, bar (perhaps) the ever solid Bacary Sagna who should have been rated – lasagna sandwich.

Mertesacker deserved a 10/10 for his flancy footwork in and around the box.


Yes we are in agreement although he made some mistakes which I guess Per didn’t. KOs was very very active and commanding. ALL our defenders were good yesterday .

Eric Irish gunner

Agree should of got top marks for our defenders

The Truth

Arshavin – Subway all you can eat pate and double mayo special in dripping and pork belly gravy.

5pur2 dr00L

He likes McDonald’s sandwiches, remember?


Giroud, what a player.

I’m so glad clinical critics are shutting up in light of his quality now. His assists just seem like phantoms to the public, esp. if they were knockdowns.

Even then, what a player we have.


That’s the thing with giroud, he works just too damn hard. Another striker would have probably given up on the ball and let it go out of play but no, not giroud. He was determined to wrap that beautiful head of his around that ball, squaring it perfectly for Wilshere to tap in.

Then suddenly he’s on the other end of the pitch deflecting a montpellier cross out for a corner. And when the corner comes he clears it right off!. What a hard working fella!


Giroud is a Centre Forward-Back…he’s reinventing football.

Midfield Corporal

I think the media bias towards English players has never been so apparent when you compare their opinions of Giroud and Andy Carroll. The £35m English man has won a few headers but scored no goals but is viewed as a success at the Hammers, whereas they would have you believe we’ve spunked away a third of what Carroll cost on another dodgy Frenchman, conveniently ignoring his good all round work and assists even when he wasn’t scoring. The press set an agenda that he couldn’t replace RVP and will continue to do so until it becomes impossible and then… Read more »


he’s a false no. 4


I love our new swashbuckling Frenchman but let’s be honest, Drogba was doing the same at Ch**ski for years. But fuck him, OOOOOOOOH GIROUD!


Ooops that was meant to be a reply to DoubleDoubleDouble.

Either way, COYG


True but Drogba’s a bitch, he dives and lays on the floor for hours. Giroud’s a man, you’ll never see go down.


I never had a problem with Giroud because even though things didn’t work for him at the start of the season he did work very hard and, most importantly for me, he did his best for the team. He will become one of the best in the league and maybe even, Europe.

Here’s hoping.


Arsene Wenger- Delighted Chef!


I also think Kos deserved a higher rating, mistake aside, he was commanding, energetic, and positive. When things were not happening for the team he looked to like he wanted to make it happen. Was really strange in the first half, I think Jack gave the ball away on his first three passes and neither Jack or Cazorla seemed to be able to anticipate Podolskis runs, which was making him frustrated. For those reasons I think most of the midfield should lose a point off their ratings, you can’t start a game looking like you’ve never played together and get… Read more »

Gunner From Another Mother

I was shocked at how terrible they were in the opening minutes. Very uncharacteristic from the likes of them messing up simple passes like that. Glad to see Podolski show his frustration though and to expect more from his teammates. Better than being complacent for sure

Gunner From Another Mother

By the way, in that picture it looks like Podolski had his hand amputated and replaced with a sandwich haha


Koscielny was f… excellent yesterday. He had one flop but he totally bossed the match. Can’t believe he has the lowest rate of our defence


I’d give Mertesacker an extra half a mark just for that dazzling moment in the first half when he ran at the Montpellier defence.


Not enough vegetarian options for my liking.


obviously was moist over jacks goal and second half in general but what about the barrage of misplaced passes in the first? Giroud was a brute…delighted for the FHB…did anyone else get a cold sweat when gervinho came on?

Dr Baptiste

Nope, can’t say that I did. Glad for the depth to be honest, even if he is the stereotypical Jekyll and Hyde player. Now Giroud is firing, Gervinho can give one of the players for the other 2 sides a rest at points during the matches or in the season.

Paulo Vitor Dama da Rosa

There must be a temptation to play Podolski as the centre forward, his cannon shots are deadly. With Giroud playing the way he is, it would be unfair to him though. Conundrums.

5pur2 dr00L

Podolski is great on the wing, when he doesnt have Santos lurking around behind him.


Kos has a wiring problem and switches off usually once a game. Yesterday it was just a booking sometimes its a goal. it all adds to the excitement I suppose. Generally though the defence was as solid as I’ve seen in a while, held a line very very well, too well drilled for the French. A routine win. Don’t get to say that enough.


Van Persie: Deviled ham
Nasri: French mustard

Merlin's Panini

Adebayor: Turd sandwich


Laurent Koscielny – stuffing in a D’Oh bread.


Didnt get to watch the match, but monitored proceedings on live blogs. Got two contrasting views on the Ox, which one is true?

1. Guardian blog
64 Min
Yellow card for Bedimo for hauling back Oxlade-Chamberlain, who’s had
an exciting game …
….. More good work by Ox, who cuts in from the right again and plays a
smart ball to podolski.

2. Arseblog Liveblog
70 Min
Not a great night or Oxlade-Chamberlain, it has to be said, but he’s still

So, who do I believe, Arseblog I guess!!!


O-C made some good runs, but he was guilty of some sloppy passing, so they were kind of both right.


The Ox and Sagna need to work it out a bit. Sagna was left to his own devices out wide. Maybe could have done with a bit more support but did get in a few crosses. The Ox got sucked into the middle too much but love the way he trys it on whenever he gets a yard of space.


and not a walcott in sight.BEAUTIFUL.

[…] Report – Player Ratings – By the numbers – […]


Jack was a double bacon butty, but I think his goal deserves some HP sauce on it.

Cygan's Anal Beads

Theo – Shit sandwich


Good win, professional performance. I don’t think we ever got out of third gear to be completely honest; understandable after the pressure/intensity of the weekend. As I result, and I really don’t relish the idea of being a bit of a negative Nancy this morning, but aren’t these ratings a touch *ahem* generous? 8 for Verm? Really? He didn’t do anything wrong, and it was a nice cross that led to the opener, but can’t think of much else. A 7, max. 9.5 for Giroud? I’m a huge fan of his, and his assistiness is a joy. But he dropped… Read more »

Los Polandos

You cut this rational crap right now. We win – you cheer and predict our team to win everything including Australian open, rate everybody superbly (especially Wilshere, because he is a gooner). We lose – you call everybody a cunt who doesn’t deserve to wear Arsenal shirt (except for Ramsey who gets to be called a cunt twice). Yes, it’s that simple. If you want rational ratings, watch the game twice at Arsenal player, analyse it, check the stats at, put your own ratings, feel like a enchanced version of Wenger for wee second, have a wank and get… Read more »

Dubai Gooner

Andre Santos – Billy Bear sandwich (with crusts cut off and cut into squares)


Chamakh – Oily falafel wrap. With extra oil.




In Nigeria, Giroud is palmwine!

Mach III

Giroud had an awful game! Miss-placed passes. Miss-timed jumps. Caught in position. It looked like his legs were made out of lead.

2/10 + 2/10 for the first assist. (Which was great positioning by Wilshere anyway, and great cross from Vermaelen) + 2/10 for the 2nd assist.

Eric Irish gunner

Specksavers mate


Wait, Giroud was awful? GREAT cross by Vermaelen? Are you mad?

Giroud was really really good, the knockdown for Wilshere was perfection. The ball from Vermaelen was a poor one. He had to really work hard and stretch to get to that ball.

I thought Giroud was our best player not named Sagna. He worked hard, his movement was top class (as always) and he played a massive part in both goals.

Mach III

Oxlade Chamberlain at-least 7 as well.
He was outstanding. Didn’t lose the ball, battled well. Was covering the positions where he needed to be. It was his energy that cut through to start off both the goals!


After clicking on that link I really want a pepito al punto now.


my god that post made me hungry…


Hehe.. subs (get it?!)

cannon & ball

Jack started off as a bit of a Sloppy Joe, buttie turned it round and ended up a Hero!

[…] Report – Player Ratings – By the numbers – […]


Apparently I had Aaron Ramsey for breakfast this morning

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