World renowned experts have today come to the defence of plucky little underdogs Chelsea who have been left distraught by claims that they’re boring.
As chronicled on this site earlier in the week, big old meanies in the crowd at Arsenal sang songs about how the west-London side were ‘boring’, leading to a three day media assault from the blues to try and restore their damaged reputation.
Now, a collective of figures from the world of sports, media and entertainment, known for their expertise in the field of boredom have come together to form ‘Chelsea Ur Not Tedious’ to help aid them in their time of need.
“Anyone who says Chelsea are boring must be boring themselves,” said former snooker World Champion Steve Davis.
“I don’t think they’re boring at all,” he continued for hours in the same methodical way he played the baize table.
“In fact, I would go as far as to say they’re almost approaching the opposite of boring which as well all know is not boring”.
He was backed up by Tracy Chapman whose song Fast Car is not one of the most boring songs ever made.
“Steve Davis is right,” she said. “Although I have since swapped my speedy motor for a more fuel efficient and less zippy hybrid, I know what I’m talking about here.
“At this point in my life, me myself I got nothing to prove. In fact, much like the unfairly maligned Jose Mourinho, I had a feeling I could be someone, be someone, be someone. Be someone.
“Be someone. Be someone. Be someone, be someone, be someone, be someone.”
She paused to think and strum her guitar in a prosaic fashion.
“Be someone, be someone, be someone, be someone. Be someone, be someone, be someone, be someone. Be. Someone. Be someone. Be. Just be. But be someone.”
And even from the exciting world of motion pictures there was staunch support.
“I firmly believe that the English Patient is not one of the most dull, soulless, sterile, bland insipid movies every made” said the maker of the English Patient.
“In fact, I’d be proud to suggest that Chelsea are the The English Patient of football. Except they’re Russian, obviously.
“But in terms of thrills and spills they bring to the Premier League what Ralph Fiennes and Kristin Scott Thomas brought to those not at all interminably mind-numbing scenes in the movie which isn’t completely banal and uneventful.”
After such inarguable backing, celebrations at the Chelsea training ground were raucous.
“I think you might say that’s everyone else nil, Chelsea nil”, said captain John Terry.