Official lottery partner announced

35

Arseblog News is delighted to announce that Fred Dipthong from Letchworth has become our official lottery partner.

Fred (57, pictured below) will go out once a week and buy £10 worth of quick-pick lottery tickets with the aim of making us so obscenely wealthy that we can run this website from hammocks whilst being swarmed by puppies.

Dipthong will begin his new role immediately after his bowel reconstruction surgery.
Dipthong has bowel problems, but hopefully not lottery ball problems

After a difficult and lengthy recruitment process, Dipthong was chosen for his studious nature and his aversion to picking the same numbers every week.

“That’s a mug’s game,” he told us. “Imagine one week I don’t make it to the shops, perhaps I get hit by a car or I hear Piers Morgan on the radio and my head, literally, explodes.

“If those numbers came up and old Fred hadn’t bought the tickets your delight would soon turn to despair. Random numbers, that’s the way to give yourself the best opportunity of winning what’s already a 1 in 13,983,816 chance.”

Other candidates advocated the use of fixed numbers; doing it in the bookies; and one, very much a favourite of the Arseblog News Hound, suggested taking the tenner and buying 12 cans of cheap lager instead.

Arseblog News looks forward to a long and fruitful partnership with Fred who will begin his role immediately after serious bowel reconstruction surgery that he might not survive, but he better because we gave him a month’s money in advance.

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Cornelius P. Snuffington III
Cornelius P. Snuffington III
4 years ago

The real question is, what new features will you introduce to the site with all the winnings when Mr. Dipthong comes through?

Rectum_Spectrum
Rectum_Spectrum
4 years ago

It is important to Arseblog to operate fully within the limits of his own resources. New features will not be added unless they are super quality, and improve what features we already have.

GoonerN16
4 years ago

Not forgetting of course, that they will have to be “worldclass”…..

Le Jim
Le Jim
4 years ago
Reply to  arseblog

Can we get a 4-Dimensional layout so we can feel the silky physical manifestation of your voice flow over us during the Arsecast, Blogs?

Cornelius P. Snuffington III
Cornelius P. Snuffington III
4 years ago
Reply to  arseblog

How much would I have to donate to get just the Rambling Pete column?

Temi
Temi
4 years ago
Reply to  arseblog

Omgoodness I miss Rambling Pete! Let’s get him back on here pronto.

Bendtner's Ego
Bendtner's Ego
4 years ago
Reply to  arseblog

Slow news days are when Blogs really earns his keep.

Alex
Alex
4 years ago

This is a logical diversification of the Arseblog investment portfolio which has my full and unreserved support.

Tom Thumb
Tom Thumb
4 years ago

“Serious bowel Reconstructive surgery that he might not survive” I laughed so hard I might need the same surgery

Tom thumb
Tom thumb
4 years ago
Reply to  arseblog

I better let the family know

Nacho Cheese Kalevra
Nacho Cheese Kalevra
4 years ago
Reply to  arseblog

Mr Bloggs. Good day. In relation to the last Arsecast, and your talk about goal celebrations, fancy giving us your thoughts on Bafetimbi Gomis’ “wild beast” celebration. surprised you missed. stuff of Nightmares that.

Mpls
Mpls
4 years ago

Sorry, I’m not Blogs, but I’ve thought he’s laying the groundwork for life after football and that spot he’s always dreamt of in the cast of “Cats”.

Nacho Cheese Kalevra
Nacho Cheese Kalevra
4 years ago
Reply to  arseblog

Mr Bloggs. Good day. In relation to the last Arsecast, and your talk about goal celebrations, fancy giving us your thoughts on Bafetimbi Gomis’ “wild beast” celebration. surprised you missed it. stuff of Nightmares that.

mattgoonier
mattgoonier
4 years ago
Reply to  arseblog

“2-3 weeks” rip

OOzil
OOzil
4 years ago
Reply to  arseblog

My gut feeling is you will not survive? :p

FullMetalGooner
FullMetalGooner
4 years ago

I once won the lottery playing the numbers 4, 8, 15, 16, 23 & 42. I thought I was the luckiest guy alive until my plane crashed and I got stranded on this weird island. Luckily I managed to escape, although I’ve got the nagging sense I’ve really been dead all along and it’s all going to end rather anticlimactic and disappointingly.

Le Jim
Le Jim
4 years ago

Fabregas, Nasri, ___, Denilson, Bendtner, ___

Someone help me out on 15 and 42? It’s doing me head in!

Cornelius P. Snuffington III
Cornelius P. Snuffington III
4 years ago
Reply to  Le Jim

15 is easy mate: Ray Parlour. As for 42, you’re on your own.

Mesut
Mesut
4 years ago

42 is the answer to life, the universe and everything. So probably Bendtner.

Cornelius P. Snuffington III
Cornelius P. Snuffington III
4 years ago
Reply to  Le Jim

Also, Bendtner never wore 23, he was 26. And come to think of it, Denilson was also 15. Also, fuck the other guys. Here’s the best of those numbers in the Premier League era:

4: Patrick Vieira
8: Freddi Ljungberg
15: Ray Parlour
16: Aaron Ramsey
23: Sol Campbell
42: Nobody worth mentioning

RamseyMidfieldNightmare
RamseyMidfieldNightmare
4 years ago

42. Isaac Hayden?

Hopefully he is worth mentioning, too early to tell though.

The number has also been occupied by Owusu-Abeyie and Kerrea Gibert. Yikes!

God is Bergkamp, Bergkamp is God
God is Bergkamp, Bergkamp is God
4 years ago

23=ARSHAVIN

pony tulips
pony tulips
4 years ago

Dude wut?

Cornelius P. Snuffington III
Cornelius P. Snuffington III
4 years ago
Reply to  pony tulips

Feeling lost?

Deezer
Deezer
4 years ago

6 FUCKING YEARS, I’ll sit there watching you on that Island. Only to find out it was a dream sequence in a DFS furniture commercial.

FullMetalGooner
FullMetalGooner
4 years ago

Much like Stevie G’s Liverpool career, I might add…

Ron
Ron
4 years ago

That’s great as it will help you compete better with other blogs who are a year or two ahead with their lottery partnerships.

But when you’re a man down for five-a-side on a friday night are you prepared to put up with all the “It’s OK, Dipthong can play there” sarcastic jibes?

The outside of rosicky's boot
The outside of rosicky's boot
4 years ago

It’ll all be swell until we reimburse Dipthong with £3 million for “a range of advisory services to arseblog news”

Ferngunner
Ferngunner
4 years ago

Hopefully Fred Dipthong can be drafted right in to face Stoke..
….Oh what’s this im hearing he is not a CF?

Man
Man
4 years ago

Gutted. I misread it as “Official Lottery Panther Announced”.

Make it happen blogs.

Jeremy
Jeremy
4 years ago

CommentHow about a regular column on famous or infamous moments from Arsenals past.

Ozziegun
Ozziegun
4 years ago

But can he do it on a cold rainy night in stoke